WTF Wednesday: Disposable Panties?

WTF?!?!?!

No. Really. I'm asking. 

What the french toast are these things?! 

Why do they exist?!

Do you want to know where I saw these?! 

Well I'm going to tell you anyway. 

IN THE MOTHER PUPPY GIFT SHOP OF THE HOSPITAL!!!!!

I say again... 

WTF?!?!?!

Here are a list of my concerns in no particular order... 

ONE

Why do we need these things? Are cotton, silk, lace, thong, boy-cut, hi-cut, hipster, low-rise, g-string, v-string, granny panny and edible varieties not enough?! Now we need DISPOSABLE?!?!

TWO

What kind of a freaky shit are you doing that you need disposable under panties?! And at the hospital?! What would your mother say for crying out loud?!

THREE

Are you pissing yourself on the reg? Is that the problem? If so, you don't need disposable panties, you need DEPENDS! Don't try to fancy up an adult diaper by calling  it "disposable panties." 

FOUR

Are they disposable or are they  not?! It says washable. That concerns me. Why are we washing our disposables? Make up your mind, bi-polar panties! 

FIVE

Why is your marketing centered around "OOPS". Oops what? Oops I pissed myself? Oops I shat my britches? Oops I forgot to wear panties to go see MeeMaw in the hospital so I'll stop by the gift shop and get some washable yet disposable under pants so MeeMaw won't be disappointed? (why are you showing MeeMaw your underpants anyway?) Oops I had a quickie in the parking garage and need to dispose of my panties STAT! 

WHAT OOPS?! I need to know! 

SIX

What makes them magic?! I mean, I see they are all vacuum sealed into a sphere looking thing. So is like those animal shaped sponges sucked into a plastic capsule that you leave in water and it magically turns into a gorilla or dinosaur or something? I have to say, if I am in need of emergency panties, I don't have 10 minutes to wait for those things to expand in water... and who wants to wear wet panties? Isn't that why I bought the Oops panties in the first place? 

If I put them on, will I be able to pull a rabbit out of my vagina? 

Will my vagina know the number I'm thinking in my head? 

Will they give me that tingly feeling in my lady region when I walk?

What is so magical about these panties?!?!?!

SEVEN

They are "free size." What the freckled ass does that mean?!

You mean to tell me a size 16 and a size 2 can go in halfsies on some Oops disposable panties? I'm afraid one's rabbit might fall out and the other one may cut off the oxygen supply to the poor little bunny trapped in her vagina. Provided they are as magical as they claim, anyway. 

EIGHT

Why were there no men's magical panties? Do men not have the same problem as us women do needing an emergency pair of undies at a quick run to the hospital? Is there some lady bit problem I've been unaware of for 29 years of life? WHY DO THESE THINGS EXIST FOR WOMEN AND NOT MEN?!

If you can answer any of these questions for me, I would surely appreciate it. I can't figure out why they exist. And had I saw them at Walmart or Walgreens or Cupids, maybe I would be more forgiving. But for the love of sweet MeeMaw's homemade apple dumplings WHY ARE LADIES DISPOSING OF THEIR PANTIES AT THE HOSPITAL?!?!?! That has to be against health code.

If you are in the need of some emergency panties, turn those suckers inside out like a classy lady and ride out the storm. Shit! (No don't. You won't have any panties left.)