Momma's Got a Dude's Name: What You Should Know Before Becoming a Turner

I am officially back at work now but I have spent the last almost two weeks at home with my beloved, my puppy, and my husband ( ;-) I kid, I kid... the dog is my beloved ;-) )

Anyway...

That amount of time together firms up my belief that we may be the oddest bunch on the planet. In no particular order, this is how I've come to this conclusion.

My Mexican Poodle Wishes Happy Birthday to my Co-Workers

I'm not sure how I came to this conclusion, but when we adopted Skipper, I came up with a story about how he fled from Mexican drug lords and is very thankful for his new "white family."

I know it may sound a bit racist, but it isn't at all. We just give him a Mexican accent when he "talks" to us. And I think I may be on to something because the dog really does act a bit more hyper when we have taco night. I also call him my little Mexican jumping bean because... well... you saw the video. He can jump up to my eyeballs!

And also he makes white jokes about us all the time. I can't tell you how many times he has said, "Deez gringos es locos!" See? It goes both ways.

I Actively Campaigned Against My Son Putting Vic's Vapor Rub on His Testicles

You would think this would have been a short lived discussion kind of like this:

Sam: "Mom I want to put this on my giblets."

Me: "That will burn like fire."

Sam: "Nevermind then."

Nope. Not at all.

We've all had this bitchin' cold for what seems like a month so we went to "steam" in the bathroom to loosen him up. I put some of the Vic's in the bottom of the tub to help create a soothing vapor.

Sam saw that as an opportunity to "slick em up" I guess. He kept trying to sit in the glob of Vic's.

I kept having to say, "Sam... this is a mistake you will never forget. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT put Vic's on your giblets!"

He would then laugh and say, "WHY?!?!"

And I would say with the deepest concern, "Honey... it will set your giblets on fire. Do you hear me? On FIRE!"

He would laugh again and say, "Mommy, you funny." And then try to squat down again.

For five minutes at least we had this argument. I was darn near the point of just letting him learn the hard way but I don't want that type of emotional scarring associated with me. I finally won this argument.

Dear teenage/adult Sam: You're Welcome. :-)

Sam Craves Rotten Eggs

Last night, we were having left over Chicken Noodle Soup for dinner. I told Sam when I picked him up from daycare that this is what we were having.

I told him again 12 times on the way home when he wanted something different (namely to go to a restaurant and not eat yucky soup).

I made cornbread when I got home and started to warm up the soup. As I was cracking an egg into the cornbread concoction, Sam says, "I want an egg!"

Me: "You want an egg for dinner?"

Sam: "Yeah. A rotten one."

Me: "What? Why would you want a rotten egg?"

Sam: "Doze ones you feed me sometimes."

Me: "Sam I have never fed you rotten eggs." (This is just what I need, him telling strangers that I make him eat rotten eggs!)

Sam: "Da ones wif da white and da yellow in da middle!"

Me: "Eggs over easy?"

Sam: "Are they white wif yellow in da middle?"

Me: "Yes."

Sam: "Then yes. I want those rotten eggs over easy."

Me: "THEY AREN'T ROTTEN!!!"

So for breakfast this morning we had eggs over medium. He found them acceptable to eat once I had put salt on them.

Answers to Life's Most Important Questions

As Sam was eating his soup last night, he decided to ask a million questions, anything to distract him from the tragedy that is chicken noodle soup for dinner.

Most of his questions were easy to answer but then he threw one at me that I didn't know the answer off the top of my head. So I did what any parent would do.

I lied.

He asked, "Mommy. Why do we have chins?"

I replied: "So we don't bite our necks all the time."

He said, "WHAT?!?!?!"

I said, "Well if your chin wasn't there, your teeth would bump into your neck all the time."

He said, "Why would that be bad?"

I said, "It'd hurt wouldn't it? Want me to bite your neck so you can find out?"

He didn't. And he shut up, while giggling.

Never Anger the Babysitter. She Has Her Ways of Revenge.

Now I'm not sure what we did to piss Susan off. But we clearly did something.

And I don't know what she slipped my child before I picked him up. But my guesses are: