Summers are not for Blogging Apparently

You guys... the struggle(s) are real right now. 

I have been MIA this summer. And yeah, I'm sorry for it. But not sorry enough to do a whole lot about it. 

Why? 

Because right now the only thing going for me this summer is that fact that my tan is doing pretty well and I finally got registered for Fall classes. 

That is me exhaling after a long day at work. Not duck-face. They are unfortunately similar.

That's it. 

There are at least 5 loads of laundry unfolded on my coach that, honestly, I have no immediate plans of folding or putting away. 

 

My dog has taken up shitting and pissing everywhere as his new hobby. I'm guessing because Justin has been gone all summer and that displeases him a bit. 

I have cooked a real meal all summer about 5 times. Other than that...sandwiches, hot dogs, or how does cereal sound? 

My son has developed a new talent of memorizing all the lyrics to every song on the radio and busting them out at the most inopportune times. 

Can you imagine walking around in Walmart on a Sunday afternoon around 12:30 pm and you hear a 4-year old loudly sing, "YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT BIG FAT BUTT.... wigglewigglewiggle."  

Let's nevermind that there is a lady with rather large hind parts in front of us. 

The Baptists give you a mean side-eye and then avoid you like the plague. 

If you are wondering he can sing all of "I'm So Fancy," as well, including the rap portions. 

He also picks up on all the inappropriate things I say. For instance, we were playing Catchphrase with a few of my staff members. Someone said the clue, "Hairy" and I came back with, "BUTTHOLE!"

So.... Sam started yelling and laughing, "Hairy butthole!!!" Of course those little weirdos encouraged it. 

And have you ever seen Hee-Haw? My son now sings this little gem... 



That's all for now. If you have something in particular you would like me to blog on, leave it in the comments and I'll do my best. I do miss you all and I promise to get my life in order sometime soon :-) 

Thrifty Thursday: Stuff It In (twss)

Remember that one time last week when I bought a super expensive treadmill for $14.99?

If not, do better about following my blog and catch up here.

The last story ended with a GIANT treadmill taking up my parking space in the garage (which I do not appreciate because I am spoiled).

Susan offered up her super handy husband to come over on Monday night to help get it in the house and she also volunteered child labor for it as well (which I'm totally okay with in this situation) (really most situations... what is the use in having kids if you can't make them do stuff you yourself don't want to do... circle of life kids, get over it).

Susan then texts me a few days prior confirming the appointment treadmill raising (remember back in the day when we had barn raisings? It is like that only way cooler).  I said of course we were and she then told me she was bringing dinner.

SCORE!

I made a mental note to make sure to get some paper plates and junk and some drinks and did just that. When they arrived on Monday night she had brought with her:

Plates and bowls
Chicken spaghetti
Diabetic coma in a bowl (some desert that had all the sugaries in it)
Some flower salad (again, sugary goodness but it was pink and she said something about a flower)
Corn
Black-eyed peas
Tang pie (there are so many jokes about tang that we made on account of this pie)
Coconut pie
Cornbread
Stevie
2 16 year old boys
Other kids that were no help but did make the house lively
A 2 liter of Coke

Yes. You read that right.

Free dinner. Free labor. Cheap fancy ass treadmill.

I think this GIF explains it all...

Thrifty Thursday: Treadmill on the CHEAP

I often joke that I'm the cheapest person on the planet. After reading this story you'll know why. 

On the journey back to graduate school, I remembered the only way I could keep up with the heavy reading load was to walk on a treadmill and read. Otherwise I'd wake up with pages stuck to my cheek and a desperate need for coffee. 

That began my quest for a treadmill. 

I realize they sell these at your local Walmart but they wan't about $200 more than I'm willing to pay for one. 

I set myself a budget of $50. That was all I was willing to spend. 

I emailed the classifieds listserv at work looking for one and got several offers. 

$250

$225

$175

Uh no. Finally got an offer of $100. Still way too much. These things collect dust in every other home in the country, someone would give me one dammit!

Susan tipped me off that they had a bunch at Saver's. She saw one for $65. 

At least we are getting closer. I went to investigate. 

They had one that would work at Goodwill for $65. At Saver's they had 7 different treadmills. The ones with wires exposed and visually run down were $39.99. The ones I was interested were $64.99. 

Cheap mode kicked in and I thought, I might as well ask if I can get a better price. But before I start to haggle, I need to make sure it works. 

My first choice was wheeled over to an outlet. After telling the young man over and over again that he needed a ratchet to let the treadmill down, he FINALLY went and got one and lo and behold... we were in business. 

We plugged it in, it flashed some lights, and then promptly powered down. 

Shit. 

He commented on how it would need to be thrown away now and went to start to do just that and I said, "Well I'm still interested in another one. Let's push that one to the side and bring the other over here to see if it works." 

That's right. I'm bossy wherever I go. 

He stammered a bit but complied. We got the next one up and we have the same issue with this one. We can't get it to lower. We are trying to figure it out and the manager walks by and says, "Yeah, we don't know how to get that one lowered. If you want to take a chance on it I'll sell it to you for $2." 

I politely declined as I was in the market for a working treadmill and not a giant ass paperweight. 

Another girl that worked there came by and agreed with me that you needed to pull this lever and lower it. She pushed the dim guy aside and did it anyway. It lowered. 

Sweet. 

We plugged it in. It wouldn't power on. 

I asked the dim dude if he had turned the switch on in the front. He says, "Oh yeah." and then clicked it twice. 

Still nothing. 

DAMMIT! 

He walked away for another call and I looked at the girl and said, "I just need to see for myself." 

He had it powered off. Ack. 

I turned it on and we were in business! 

It made lights. It made walkey. It changed walkey speeds. It changed inclines. 

Hot damn! 

I said, "GO GET THE $2 MANAGER! HE OWES ME A DEAL!" 

They all had a good laugh. I said, "I'm not kidding." 

When $2 manager got there I said, "Alright, I've worked for you for the last 30 minutes and you offered this thing to me earlier for $2 if I could get the incline down. I did that and more. What's a realistic price?" 

He thought for a minute and said, "Well it is overpriced right now. I can let it go for... $14.99?" 

I said, "That'll work." 

Let me tell you about this $14.99 treadmill. 

It has a tv screen on it that connects to cable. It has an MP3 player hookup. This thing is BEAST. 

Which would explain why it is in my garage and not in my house because it WON'T FIT THROUGH THE MOTHER PUPPY DOOR! 

It took three grown men to get it in the back of the truck. Then there was just me and Jonah (16 year old) to get it out of the truck. 

We were struggling something fierce and we hear this vagrant from the street (dressed head to toe in hunter green and wearing army boots) say, "Ya'll need some help?"

Jonah and I locked eyes like, "is this a good idea?" without saying a word. Then we both looked at the sketchy looking man and said, "Yes we do!" 

It was worth the murder risk at that point. 

We get it out of the truck and off he went. We managed to get it to the front door. That's when we realized going in the door was not an option. We needed major help. 

I'm sweating from places on my body I didn't know could sweat. We try a few different ways. I heckle my neighbors for help. They also conclude that it wasn't going in that door and we'd need to take it apart to fit. 

We get it in the garage and start to take it apart. We got nuts and bolts and screws out and it seems promising... 

... and this whole damn thing stays together. In tact. 

AGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!

We quit. We were bathed in our sweat and the dirt from my garage and it wasn't in the cards. 

Susan came out later that night. Same result. Except when we tried to move it to the side the damn belt came off (like we were trying to do desperately earlier in the day!). It exposed a wire casing that gives us about 6 inches of wiggle room. 

Before you give me advice on this, remember: 

We tried taking the doors off the hinges. 

We tried on its side, top,  bottom, upside-down, and topsy turvy. We were the Kama Sutra of treadmill transportation. 

I'm familiar with Friends and the principal of PIVOT. 

I've invited special guests to a "Treadmill Raising" on Monday night. This thing is getting in my house come hell or high water. 

I'm not wasting my $14.99!!!

WTF Wednesday: Old Men at McDonalds

Since I'm on vacation this week, I decided to treat Sam to breakfast at McDonald's this morning. He loves getting a "patty" (read: sausage mcmuffin, no cheese) and he really likes eating it inside. 

He picked the table right beside the obligatory table of old white men having their coffee in the morning. 

#ugh

Not that I don't love me some old people, but when you are in a small town in Arkansas, you can just expect that this liberal lady is going to have some major eye roll situations arise. 

Did you know that one of these old men's doctor had the nerve to retire and hand his case over to that little "foreign girl"? 

Did you know that "foreign girls" have no place in medicine? 

Did you know that once you start taking cholesterol medicine, you can never stop? 

Did you know that the Vietnam War is what ruined this country? 

Did you know that since the "colored folks" started getting into politics the world is now coming to an end? 

Do you know what the German word for "bra" is? 

Stopemfromfloppen

(okay that one was kind of funny)

It took everything in me to keep my mouth shut and pretend I wasn't hearing this garbage. 

Don't think racism is alive today? Pick any McDonald's in a small town and just listen to the men. Their theories on the world are enough to make any sane person develop a bit of an eye twitch. 

I realize I'm liberal and I'm disappointed with Hobby Lobby and SCOTUS, and I don't believe in torture, and I live under this far-fetched assumption that smart people get things done no matter what equipment is in their pants or what color the package is... but OH MY PRECIOUS FRIED DONUTS I couldn't get out of there fast enough! Damn me for believing in the womens and the races and thinking we should be good people!

Man, what an ass am I?! 

Peace out. I have to clean my house now... like a good woman. 

The One with all the Updates

I have had a rough time updating the blog lately. I was supposed to do an entire blog post on... 

... how my mom, sister, and grandma all came down to Little Rock to surprise me for my birthday and they shocked the hell out of me! I was afraid my 30th was going to suck because my husband was out of town with his mom but between that huge surprise and my friends all rallying around me, it was a pretty great day.

My sister was busy cutting someone's hair at the time so didn't make the cut for the picture. Sorry Brandi!

... how I've recently decided to delay starting graduate school until the fall. While it is a serious bummer to have to wait (how big of a dork do you have to be to utter those words) it just makes sense right now. Being an adult stinks sometimes but we also get to drink and have sex so, you win some and you lose some. 

... Sam finished tee ball and got a trophy! That he still tries to sleep with! 

... Updates on Pat... I'm not updating a lot on her for a lot of reasons. Just keep her in your prayers. She is still in St. Louis. This is still a journey. We just want her home. We did get to go visit her though! 

Sam helping Grandma into the restaurant. 

... While Justin has been away we have gotten in A LOT of swim time with lots of kids!

 

... Gena and I hiked Pinnacle where I almost died because hiking with an ovarian cyst is A STUPID IDEA. I held back vomit most of the time. It was pretty. When we got to the top some guys asked for our picture. As I don't want to be in some stranger's spank bank, we politely declined. When we got to the bottom they asked us if we were lesbians. Gena got all offended like I'm not good enough for her. YOU'D BE LUCKY TO HAVE ME! 

... Justin came into town for a weekend and we had a date night to celebrate our anniversary! We made art! 

... Sam also got a go to Build a Bear Workshop! He made a Cardinals puppy and named him Donji Wonji. 

... Sam can swim! Check it out! I've paid good money and spent long hours getting splashed in the face at the pool to get here (and made some questionable parenting decisions) but he is there! 

... I'm on vacation this week. Missions: take lots of kids swimming, tan, clean the house, find a treadmill. 

Wish me luck!