Shit My Mother in Law Says

You guyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Ya'll think I say funny shit. You should drug my mother in law and then get some popcorn and watch the show!

SMMILS 1:

We met this lovely man at the lodge who is super friendly. I noticed Pat and he had a conversation while I was gone and I was curious if they exchanged diagnoses (proper etiquette round these parts).

I said, "What kind of cancer does he have?" in a hushed voice because he was nearby.

She said, loudly, "Umm.... umm... that PECKER CANCER!"

I said, hushedly, "You mean prostate cancer?"

She said, "Yeah. That one. Same thing."

SMMILS 2:

She needed to use the restroom after getting her catheter line put in (for chemo and blood draw purposes). She is standing outside the one-seater unisex bathroom. She decided that was undesirable to her and LOUDLY started saying the following (in no particular order):

"What is taking so long?!"

"They've been in there forever!"

"Hell did they fall in?"

"I can hear you in there just playing with paper. People out here have to pee!"

I said, "Pat, you know they can hear you, right?"

She said, "YEAH! That's the point!"

SMMILS 3:

The guys comes out of the bathroom and Pat says, "Thank you."

Who was the guy?

Our transport across the hospital back to the chemo room! ACK!

It was a LONG walk back... it was LONGER because the dude was so embarrassed or pissed or both that he let his trainer do the pushing and he walked behind us the whole way.

When we arrived back at our pod, she was still pretty riled up. She started to tell the family next to us that saga of the bathroom wait.

She ends it with, "Well hell! I don't get it. You are a man! Whip it out and piss already!"

SMMILS4:

The man next to us had a magazine upside down on his arm table. There was an ad with butterflies on the back.

This disturbed Pat a great deal. She was suddenly staring at it with a confused look on her face. A very distressed look.

Was she afraid the butterflies would attack? Was she judging the man for having a butterfly magazine (which he didn't... it was an ad)?

I finally couldn't take it any longer and asked her what she was staring at.

She whispered, "What is on his table?"

I said, "A magazine."

She said, "No. On the table. That colored junk."

I said, again, "A magazine."

She got louder. "It ain't a damn magazine. What is it?!"

This alarmed the man in possession of the magazine but he did giggle and hand me the magazine so I could show her it was, in fact, a magazine.

She stared at it for about 20 seconds and finally said, "Well I would have never thought that's what it was."

SMMILS5:

Pat wears pants with pockets to work. She always has. She has keys and a razor cutter and God knows what else to put in her pockets so she has an affinity for pants with pockets.

The nurse happened to have on a pair of Dickies nursing pants with pockets.

Before I could stop it, she had reached across and PUT HER HAND IN THE NURSE'S POCKET and said, "Do dem pants have lots of pockets?"

I don't know anything about this girl's inner freak, but by the way she jumped I'm going to guess people don't often stick their hands in her pockets.

She recovered well and simply replied, "Yes they do," as she took Pat's hand out of her pocket and gently placed it back on her lap.

Bonus SMMILS:

Loudly proclaiming how rude it is to chew with your mouth open right in front of the person she was annoyed with who was chewing with their mouth open.

Seeing a lady across the pod with a chocolate pudding cup and loudly asking, very irritatedly, "HOW'D SHE GET ICE CREAM? NO ONE OFFERED ME ICE CREAM!" I had to go ask what it was and tell Pat it was purchased downstairs in the cafeteria and it was chocolate pudding. She said, "Later I'm going to get me some strawberry pudding."

 #facepalm