WTF Wednesday: Disposable Panties?

WTF?!?!?!

No. Really. I'm asking. 

What the french toast are these things?! 

Why do they exist?!

Do you want to know where I saw these?! 

Well I'm going to tell you anyway. 

IN THE MOTHER PUPPY GIFT SHOP OF THE HOSPITAL!!!!!

I say again... 

WTF?!?!?!

Here are a list of my concerns in no particular order... 

ONE

Why do we need these things? Are cotton, silk, lace, thong, boy-cut, hi-cut, hipster, low-rise, g-string, v-string, granny panny and edible varieties not enough?! Now we need DISPOSABLE?!?!

TWO

What kind of a freaky shit are you doing that you need disposable under panties?! And at the hospital?! What would your mother say for crying out loud?!

THREE

Are you pissing yourself on the reg? Is that the problem? If so, you don't need disposable panties, you need DEPENDS! Don't try to fancy up an adult diaper by calling  it "disposable panties." 

FOUR

Are they disposable or are they  not?! It says washable. That concerns me. Why are we washing our disposables? Make up your mind, bi-polar panties! 

FIVE

Why is your marketing centered around "OOPS". Oops what? Oops I pissed myself? Oops I shat my britches? Oops I forgot to wear panties to go see MeeMaw in the hospital so I'll stop by the gift shop and get some washable yet disposable under pants so MeeMaw won't be disappointed? (why are you showing MeeMaw your underpants anyway?) Oops I had a quickie in the parking garage and need to dispose of my panties STAT! 

WHAT OOPS?! I need to know! 

SIX

What makes them magic?! I mean, I see they are all vacuum sealed into a sphere looking thing. So is like those animal shaped sponges sucked into a plastic capsule that you leave in water and it magically turns into a gorilla or dinosaur or something? I have to say, if I am in need of emergency panties, I don't have 10 minutes to wait for those things to expand in water... and who wants to wear wet panties? Isn't that why I bought the Oops panties in the first place? 

If I put them on, will I be able to pull a rabbit out of my vagina? 

Will my vagina know the number I'm thinking in my head? 

Will they give me that tingly feeling in my lady region when I walk?

What is so magical about these panties?!?!?!

SEVEN

They are "free size." What the freckled ass does that mean?!

You mean to tell me a size 16 and a size 2 can go in halfsies on some Oops disposable panties? I'm afraid one's rabbit might fall out and the other one may cut off the oxygen supply to the poor little bunny trapped in her vagina. Provided they are as magical as they claim, anyway. 

EIGHT

Why were there no men's magical panties? Do men not have the same problem as us women do needing an emergency pair of undies at a quick run to the hospital? Is there some lady bit problem I've been unaware of for 29 years of life? WHY DO THESE THINGS EXIST FOR WOMEN AND NOT MEN?!

If you can answer any of these questions for me, I would surely appreciate it. I can't figure out why they exist. And had I saw them at Walmart or Walgreens or Cupids, maybe I would be more forgiving. But for the love of sweet MeeMaw's homemade apple dumplings WHY ARE LADIES DISPOSING OF THEIR PANTIES AT THE HOSPITAL?!?!?! That has to be against health code.

If you are in the need of some emergency panties, turn those suckers inside out like a classy lady and ride out the storm. Shit! (No don't. You won't have any panties left.)

Shit My Mother in Law Says

You guyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Ya'll think I say funny shit. You should drug my mother in law and then get some popcorn and watch the show!

SMMILS 1:

We met this lovely man at the lodge who is super friendly. I noticed Pat and he had a conversation while I was gone and I was curious if they exchanged diagnoses (proper etiquette round these parts).

I said, "What kind of cancer does he have?" in a hushed voice because he was nearby.

She said, loudly, "Umm.... umm... that PECKER CANCER!"

I said, hushedly, "You mean prostate cancer?"

She said, "Yeah. That one. Same thing."

SMMILS 2:

She needed to use the restroom after getting her catheter line put in (for chemo and blood draw purposes). She is standing outside the one-seater unisex bathroom. She decided that was undesirable to her and LOUDLY started saying the following (in no particular order):

"What is taking so long?!"

"They've been in there forever!"

"Hell did they fall in?"

"I can hear you in there just playing with paper. People out here have to pee!"

I said, "Pat, you know they can hear you, right?"

She said, "YEAH! That's the point!"

SMMILS 3:

The guys comes out of the bathroom and Pat says, "Thank you."

Who was the guy?

Our transport across the hospital back to the chemo room! ACK!

It was a LONG walk back... it was LONGER because the dude was so embarrassed or pissed or both that he let his trainer do the pushing and he walked behind us the whole way.

When we arrived back at our pod, she was still pretty riled up. She started to tell the family next to us that saga of the bathroom wait.

She ends it with, "Well hell! I don't get it. You are a man! Whip it out and piss already!"

SMMILS4:

The man next to us had a magazine upside down on his arm table. There was an ad with butterflies on the back.

This disturbed Pat a great deal. She was suddenly staring at it with a confused look on her face. A very distressed look.

Was she afraid the butterflies would attack? Was she judging the man for having a butterfly magazine (which he didn't... it was an ad)?

I finally couldn't take it any longer and asked her what she was staring at.

She whispered, "What is on his table?"

I said, "A magazine."

She said, "No. On the table. That colored junk."

I said, again, "A magazine."

She got louder. "It ain't a damn magazine. What is it?!"

This alarmed the man in possession of the magazine but he did giggle and hand me the magazine so I could show her it was, in fact, a magazine.

She stared at it for about 20 seconds and finally said, "Well I would have never thought that's what it was."

SMMILS5:

Pat wears pants with pockets to work. She always has. She has keys and a razor cutter and God knows what else to put in her pockets so she has an affinity for pants with pockets.

The nurse happened to have on a pair of Dickies nursing pants with pockets.

Before I could stop it, she had reached across and PUT HER HAND IN THE NURSE'S POCKET and said, "Do dem pants have lots of pockets?"

I don't know anything about this girl's inner freak, but by the way she jumped I'm going to guess people don't often stick their hands in her pockets.

She recovered well and simply replied, "Yes they do," as she took Pat's hand out of her pocket and gently placed it back on her lap.

Bonus SMMILS:

Loudly proclaiming how rude it is to chew with your mouth open right in front of the person she was annoyed with who was chewing with their mouth open.

Seeing a lady across the pod with a chocolate pudding cup and loudly asking, very irritatedly, "HOW'D SHE GET ICE CREAM? NO ONE OFFERED ME ICE CREAM!" I had to go ask what it was and tell Pat it was purchased downstairs in the cafeteria and it was chocolate pudding. She said, "Later I'm going to get me some strawberry pudding."

 #facepalm

Let's Get Some Perspective

I'm not writing this post to be confrontational. I writing it to clear the air and offer some perspective. 

I've been asked a million times why I (being the daughter-in-law) am the one staying in St. Louis with Pat. 

Why not her family? 

Why not Justin? 

Why not her best friend? 

Here is my answer: 

I have a deep conviction that if you can help someone, you should. Whether that be a stranger on the street or your best friend... you help if you can. If you can't help, you pray (which is still helping). 

There seems to be this unwritten rule of society that blood relatives come first and have a higher responsibility to care for their blood relatives that in-laws or friends should. 

I call bullshit. 



Justin (Pat's son and my husband) is an only child. He is also a teacher. He has only so many days of leave before he has to file FMLA and go unpaid to be here with his mom. 

Do you think he doesn't want to be here? Do you think he doesn't offer every single day to come replace me? 

But if he did that, our family would suffer financially. It isn't a wise choice. So he goes against his wishes and stays at home so that our family doesn't suffer financially. He is making a huge sacrifice. 

The same goes with many other family and friends. In most cases if you miss work you don't get paid. I'm very lucky to be in a position to carry the brunt of the "away time" because I have a flexible job with a lot of leave. Since I never take vacation, suffice it to say I have enough hours to cover this for a bit. (Workaholics for the WIN!)

But that isn't the point. 

When you are blessed with good family and friends, you by God take care of them! 

Not everyone is blessed with a good family, blood or in law. 

I happen to be blessed with both. And have also been blessed with phenomenal friends. 

Where I grew up, you took care of your loved ones. Period. 

Pat has been a major support system and possibly the best MIL I could have ever asked for. What kind of person would I be if I stepped back and said, "Ew... leukemia. Bummer. Ya'll work it out, she isn't related to me by blood." 



Yeah, I think not. 

I love my husband. I love Pat. So whatever needs to be done shall be done. 

This isn't a burden or an obligation. This is family. 

The good Lord gave us faith, hope, and love. But the greatest is LOVE. 



This is LOVE. 

Please don't look at this as some people aren't doing enough or I'm doing too much. We are all doing what we have to do to make this situation work. 

Justin is caring for Sam by himself, agonizing over what is going on up here and wishing he could be here instead of me. 

Her family is organizing bone marrow drives and calling every day and checking to see if there is anything they can do. And they are offering a lot. They are also agonizing over not knowing and feeling helpless to do something for Pat. 

Our friends (Gena, Susan, Amy) are helping care for Sam, helping Justin get a break and cope with being a legit single parent. 

Johnny is using his time without Pat to clean the house so that she has the best environment to live in to keep her healthy when she gets home. He is taking care of a wrecked car and fixing the other car. He is making sure Justin and Sam get their vegetables by taking them out to eat every once in a while. He is also trying to help Justin with Sam by taking them to see movies and play dates. 

My work family (yes they are family) are calling and checking in on us every day, giving me updates and asking what they can help cover so that I can maintain my job while still caring for my MIL. 

Everyone is doing this out of LOVE. 

When I leave this world, I don't want to be remembered for following the status quo and living up to other people's expectations of what I should  and should not be. 

I want people to think of me and say, "She loved people well." 

What do you want to be remembered for? 



If you are still wondering what you can do to help, please visit this post and consider helping by donating. It is a giveaway as well so you can win stuff for just doing the right thing. Think about it. 

Big Bad Blog Bone Marrow Drive

On gratitude and the little things

I'm not sure if I can convey to you all the amount of gratitude I have for the American Cancer Society and their Hope Lodge.

For those of you who don't know, that is where we are staying while Pat receives treatment. It is completely free. They have kitchens, and refrigerators, and freezers, and TV rooms, and a community of people who are fighting to survive.

Can I honestly say I like all of the people that stay  there?

No. Remember, I don't like people much. (There is this one couple the hoards the remote and steals it from other people while they are on bathroom break and then changes it to MOTHER PUPPY SOAP OPERAS. Every time. And she chews with her mouth open.)

But, all of the people there want to live and they want to tell their story. I'm positive God sent me up here to help give them some hope.

One lady cannot wait to meet the person that donated bone marrow for her to live. She wants to make it to a year so she has that option and she is praying that he wants to meet her too.

One lady heard me skyping with my son and the next day as I was putting away laundry, she came up and gave me a kiss on the cheek and hug and said, "From one mother to another." I later found out she is here caring for her son who is battling cancer.

We met a lady yesterday who has no family to help care for her so she relies on friends to get her to and from the hospital. She just wanted to talk and tell us how lucky we were to have each other.

One young man receiving chemo here let it slip that his birthday was tomorrow (a few days ago). He also mentioned he would be here getting chemo on his birthday. I went and got him a balloon and a Mr. Pibb (his drink of choice I learned while talking to him) and had it waiting on him in his pod on his birthday. He sent word through every nurse and secretary on that floor to thank whoever thought of him on his birthday. He was filled with joy over a $5 balloon. And he wanted so much to thank me for it (I left it anonymously because he wouldn't know me anyway.)

The residents and employees at the lodge go out of there way to make each other's stay better (except for the remote hoarders). The overnight resident brought in potatoes and cabbage and sausage and asked Pat and I to peel potatoes and put them all in the pot to boil so everyone would have access to a hot lunch.

We came home the other night and one of the residents had made a whole pot of chili for everyone to share for dinner.

After that wonderful mother came and gave me a kiss for being away from my son, I went out and bought ingredients for snickerdoodles. Everyone talked all day about how wonderful those cookies were!

At the end of the day, one person will get up to unload the dishwashers and pretty soon several people follow suit and the kitchen is cleaned up in no time.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because we get bogged down with the minute details of life and we don't stop a cherish the things that matter. People are hurting. Everywhere.

And sometimes the simplest thing you can do for them is to listen to them and make them feel important to you.

You know those people in your lives that just make you feel better by simply being in their presence? Let's be more like them. Pause. Listen. Take time to do something nice for someone else.

You never know how far a short conversation, a hug, or a random act of kindness will go. For some, it gives them the push they need to keep pushing forward and fight the good fight.

If you want to know how to help more, please visit a previous post here. We are still looking for the perfect match for Pat and thousands of others looking for a hero. It could be you.

Be the Hero

Day "What the Eff Ever" Update

The days are blurring together ya'll.

We had a bad day  and then we had a good day and then we had a BAD night and then we had a good night.

And then it all went to shit.

When she came in yesterday for her chemo, she had a fever.



Clearly this was the end of the world judging by the nurses reactions.


It was 100.8.




Insert eye roll here.





Don't get me wrong, I don't want to proceed with something if it is going to make her health worse but you should have seen all the overdramatic concern. And baby talk...

SHE'S 60 YEARS OLD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

They might as well have bribed her with a sticker and a fresh lollipop.

Anyway, no chemo yesterday. Instead we got admitted to the hospital.

Oh joy.

Prayers, positive thoughts, good juju requests:

• Her overall health improving
• ANSWERS. MOTHER PUPPY ANSWERS.
• We still need to find the best possible match for her bone marrow.

We found out her siblings were not a match so that means we go to the registry. No big deal. We have some preliminary matches but how amazing would it be if we got a perfect match?

Please share the giveaway. Please swab. Please post on social media why you swab or why you should swab. Please consider donating to deletebloodcancer.org. Please just help.

How to Help

At this point we have it narrowed down between chemo shutting down her liver (there are still other chemos to try... just not this anti-Christ version) or a bile duct blockage. Hopefully we will find out today.

Keep the positive thoughts/prayers/juju coming!

WTF Wednesday: Bacon Grease Battlefield

Who doesn't love a big ole mess of deliciously crispy bacon? Fresh out of the pan (or oven, or microwave)... bacon aroma in the air... artery clogging grease glistening on each piece. 

Daz heaven... 



Well if you grew up with your momma or grandmomma or really anyone that was willing to fry up some bacon for you in a skillet on the stove... HUG THEM!

That is WAR and you rarely come out unscathed! 



Long ago, I began baking my bacon because it all gets done at once, it cooks evenly, and I don't come out with scars that make people question if I put cigarettes out on my arm. 

But I needed to bake cinnamon rolls and while I lurves me some bacon, I prefer my cinnamon rolls to taste like cinnamony gooey goodness and not bacon. 

So I fried it on the stove. 

And after the first POP I banned Sam from the kitchen. 

After the 13th POP I lost my religion stopped minding my language and muffling my screams. 

After the 19th POP that landed ON MY LIP, I cried a little bit. 

But I'm not a quitter dammit so I saw the battle through! 



And I came out with several 2nd degree burns and a legitimate fear of the stove. I had to pop a crazy pill and I'm now seeking therapy for PTSD. 

But mmmm dat bacon was DELICIOUS!!!! 

All that being said, WTF is up with the bacon grease battlefield?!? 

Is it natures way of trying get keep us from having a heart attack? 




























Is it a life lesson of it is about the process and not the destination? Because I have to say, it is all about the destination. The process sucks!

Wouldn't it be nice if this diagram were actually true? (You know you've thought it)



Speaking of things that make you feel like a better human being... have you read about my bone marrow drive? It is so easy to register as a donor and you could save another person's life and give their family hope again. You know how good it feels when you are craving bacon and you finally get it. Its like that but like, WAY BETTER! And you could win stuff... 

Get your good person win on here. 

Day 3: First Day of Chemo and Rikki Lost Her Shit

Anyone surprised? I mean, really? 

I'm not sure if you know this or not, but the first time Justin and Pat were headed to St. Louis for consultation on the clinical trial she is doing, they got halfway here and were told to turn around and go home because they hadn't heard if the insurance was going to cover the appointment. So they turned around and drove three hours back. 

Good times. No one was pissed. No one lost their shit then. 

That's not true. Lots of people got earfuls at that time. But I wasn't one of the ones yelling because it wasn't any of my business. They were handling it and I resumed my rightful place as quiet daughter in law. 

Well daughter in law got to play today. 

I'm not fantastic at basketball... I can guarantee you I'll say something stupid at the worst possible time... and physics makes my eyes close (direct quote of mine from college), but I can give a verbal bitch slap like a PRO! 

A damned PRO! 

For those with sensitive eyes, I'll use the word "puppy" for a word I'd rather say. Use your imagination. 

We were supposed to be in chemo at 1 pm today.  By 12 pm, we still hadn't heard from the nurses saying the trial was approved. 

Time for Momma to intervene. 

The timeline goes as this: 

12:15 pm: Left voicemail with insurance lady that flatly explained that processing this paperwork could literally mean life or death and I would appreciate a call back telling us if we have wasted another 6 hour trip or if we were going to actively try to save her life. 

1:30 pm: Insurance lady calls Pat and lets her know she didn't appreciate my voicemail but had I not left it she wouldn't have known we were even in St. Louis. After some investigation she realizes someone faxed her the paperwork last night. 

(If she didn't like the first one, she surely wasn't going to like to subsequent one that was going to detail to her if she didn't get her puppy hand out of the puppy powdered donut bag long enough to process some mother puppy paperwork, her arteries will clog and she will die right along with the woman she killed by delaying treatment by being a lazy indignant  wretch of a person. And I hope the last thing she sees is that unfinished paperwork. 

To be fair, I don't know if she eats those powdered donuts or not, but if she claims to not like them, she's of the devil for sure.)

3:10 pm: Nurse calls from hospital to say we have a bed at 3:30 pm for chemo. The insurance approved. 

You are mother-puppy right they did! #bitchesgetstuffdone

Don't forget to go to this link and participate in the Delete Blood Cancer Giveaway! And check out the super awesome bloggers helping me out! 

http://www.mommasgotadudesname.com/2014/01/help-save-sams-grandma-become-bone.html

St. Louis: Days 1 and 2

Disclaimer: These posts about our trip aren't going to get too "real". The fact of the matter is a lot of this is private and is our own private journey. While reading the "funny" aspects of this trip, please continue to pray for us for the tough times as well. 

Rikki drives a Civic. The car we drove up her is an Impala. The Impala is approximately three times as wide as the Civic (slight exaggeration). What does that translate into? 



Poor Pat. At least 10 times on the 6.5 hour drive I did this to her. Not because I wasn't paying attention. But because I wasn't used to handling something that wide (twss). 

Anyway, we got here and got checked into the Hope Lodge. This place is fantastic. It gives me hope for humanity. All the residents pitch in to help with everything (cooking, cleaning, visiting). It is very encouraging. 

That being said, Pat and I are the judgiest people on the  planet. And while I'd like to think that everyone here is normal and personable and not all creepy, that's just not the case. 

For instance, we already learned to dodge the guy with the wolf blanket. He thinks anyone who passes is his friend and should join him in a rousing episode of Matlock while they discuss.... something. I couldn't quite figure it out from three tables away furiously trying to look busy. 

Before we left the lodge, the front desk lady asked us to peel some potatoes because she had brought stuff to make lunch for everyone but the desk was too busy she couldn't get to the kitchen to do it. So we peeled potatoes, cut cabbage and sausage, and got it started for her. We had to leave but she asked us if we wanted her to save us a bowl for when we got back. Good thing we passed because we didn't get back until 9:30 pm (we left at 11:30 am) and every bit of it was gone! 

When we got to the doctor, there was this adorable furiously boring family who was obsessed with birds. If you don't follow me on Twitter you should, because I live tweeted their enthralling conversation. It went like this. (Start from the bottom please). 

1. rikkidale ‏@rikkidale19h

   Bird saga over. Time to see doc. I'm a little disappointed. I hate when I miss the ending. #howdthebirdgetonthewreath?

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2. rikkidale ‏@rikkidale19h

   Update: still haven't finished the muffin. #atleastitwasntworms

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3. rikkidale ‏@rikkidale19h

   Ohhhhh, now we are marveling wind chimes and hummingbird tattoos! #saucy #scandalinthebirdhouse

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4. rikkidale ‏@rikkidale20h

   Bird dad is cracking up at the bird mag again. I bet he only reads it for the articles. #birdsgonewild knocknockwho'sthere? Owltellyoulater

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5. rikkidale ‏@rikkidale20h

   Realization: bird family eats like birds! They've been sharing the same muffin for 45 minutes. #stillnotgone #obsessionturnedugly

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6. rikkidale ‏@rikkidale20h

   The bird people think apparel that says "feed the birds" is really funny. #birdfood #theyslayme #tehe

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7. rikkidale ‏@rikkidale20h

   We've moved on to what nectar feeds monarchs better. I may never know about that damned bird and the wreath. #bummer

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8. rikkidale ‏@rikkidale20h

   The couple across from us is having an invigorating conversation about birds. I'm on the edge of my seat! WHY DID THE BIRD LAND ON THE WREATH

Let's talk customer service in St. Louis, shall we? 

Dear Little Rock, 

You are deeper in the south than St. Louis. You should be as hospitable if not more so. Get your shit together. 

Signed, 

Recent visitors to St. Louis

Seriously folks, we have not encountered one rude person yet! 

Jack in the Box employee gave us free food. 

All the staff/visitors at the hospital were super nice and helpful. Even when we were 1.5 hours late to an appointment because the previous one lasted so long, they did not act inconvenienced. They offered us drinks. And they kept me updated every 15 minutes or so on how it was going with her. 

The lady in the cafeteria let me have a free fountain drink because I misread a sign. I offered to pay for it or just leave without it and she said, "No girl. You take that drink and have a blessed night." 

We got to Walgreens to pick up a prescription to find out they don't accept our insurance and we'd need to find another pharmacy so it didn't cost us $211 for the drugs. They apologized and told us how to get to another pharmacy down the street. 

When we got to the other pharmacy (CVS btw... b/c they were so dang nice), they couldn't get Walgreens on the phone so they offered us free drinks on the house while we waited. 

I mean everyone has been so nice! 

If you haven't yet, please consider registering as a donor or helping me promote our bone marrow donor drive on the blog. We have already met a few people that are in need of donors for any hope of survival. 

We have lots of entries but I haven't seen any people posting with a sign about why they registered or why you should register. I'd like to see more of those! 

Please visit here for all the details and to register to win! 

http://www.mommasgotadudesname.com/2014/01/help-save-sams-grandma-become-bone.html