WTF Wednesday: Kidney Infections

WHAT THE EFF ARE THESE KIDNEY INFECTIONS ABOUT?!?!

Shit. 

I realize that I've had basically every illness on the planet in my short 29 years of existence. And most of my things are pretty weird. 

• Inverted appendix 
• Weird heart issue that raised my heart rate to 244 beats per minute
• Weird nerve inflammation issue in my abdomen
• Exploding ovaries (technical term)
• Asthma aggravated by random things

The list could go on and on. The moral is: Nothing too major (many have it way worse than I could imagine) but basically something at least minorly wrong with every major organ system. Justin jokes that God did such a great job with my appearance he decided to let his elves (not to be confused with angels) finish the insides while he went fishing. He also says he married me because his mom wouldn't let him have a puppy growing up. 

Whatever dude. I'm a catch. 

But the moral is, most people get a cold and they stay sick for a few days and then they are better. 

I get a cold and then my lungs implode, they have to amputate my foot, and 4-6 weeks later I'm back in action. 

It's a mess. Really, I know. 

But DAFUQ is this kidney infection shit about? Yes I'm cursing. Yes it's necessary. 



I've never had a kidney infection before. But I assumed when it felt like someone rammed a Volvo into my lower back, that must be what it was. 

This is how the doctor's appointment went. 

Keep in mind I went to student health on campus because:

1) Convenient

2) Free

Need I say more? 

But I work very closely with the nurse practitioner. We serve on committees together, do presentations together... saying something inappropriate in a clinical setting could haunt me. 

She gets my results back and explains yes something is wrong...blah blah boring. 

I tell her about my lower back pain. She says, "Okay. Let me check out your back." 

She goes around to my back, puts a fist against my back (right where it hurts), and then HITS IT HARD WITH THE OTHER FIST! 

I big fat flinched and yelled, "SHIT BETTY!!!!!" (names redacted to protect the innocent)

Professional. I'm one professional biotch. 



She goes, "Really that bad?!"

I said, "Do I get to kidney punch you next?" 

She said, "I'll be easier on the other one." 

To be honest I'm not even sure if she punched the other one. I was still reeling from the previous sucker punch that made me want to die. 

She says, "Yeah. Its a kidney infection." 

And all I'm thinking is, "Drugs. I need the drugs." 

She goes to write the prescription and starts by explaining that she is going to write it for 6 days but it typically only takes 3 days to clear it up. If I feel 100% better at the end of 3 days, don't take the rest. 

Then she stares at the pad for a good long while and says, "On second thought, just take all 6 days." 

That was probably a good call. I find a way to complicate all things medical. 

I left work for a little bit to get it filled and took my first dose with lunch Monday. By 4 pm, I could barely sit up I was in so much pain. Walking... walking was clearly a gift from the devil to see me suffer. 

I got my geriatric wobble on all the way to the car, cringing the whole time. 

Guys I am a beast with pain most of the time. Insanely high tolerance for pain. 

While having contractions in labor, I had nurses reassuring me and trying to comfort me and assuring me the epidural was on the way and they'd get me comfortable as soon as possible... nothing hurt. I felt fine. 

They forgot to turn the epidural back on after I had a c-section (read: surgically remove my son from my womb with the use of lasers) and I held that shit together for about an hour before I had a complete and total meltdown because it felt like someone had literally set me on fire. They didn't know how I lasted so long. 

I can't tell you how many times a doctor has told me they don't see how I've handled something for so long. 

But with this thing, I wanted to cry and curl up into a ball. All I wanted out of life Monday was a caressing back rub and a heating pad and to not be vertical. At all. 

I ate toast for dinner. Because I didn't know if I could keep anything else down. This coming from a girl who is likely to slaughter her own chicken for some McNuggets if the mood is just right. Big deal. 

I told my mom about it and she said, "I've seen grown men cry because of a kidney infection." And I don't doubt it. Except grown men are sissies most of the time and I wanted to cry. 

That shit isn't for sissies. 

Yes, it still effing hurts. Yes I brought my heating pad to work Tuesday. No I don't regret it. Yes I will punch you in the ovaries if you try to steal it from me. And that is likely to hurt less than this. 

Unrelated: I have two kidneys up for purchase right now. I'll remove them myself. 

Wednesday Update: 

I have a call into the doctor to go back. This can't be normal to hurt this bad for three days while on antibiotics. 

What do I expect to happen? 



Yay me. 


I'll keep you posted.