Eff all the Geese!

I was not planning this post today but after the lovely Tia at Hands On. Pants Off. gave me a shout out today and the very same day she tells a hilarious story about her husband punching a goose (not lying, go check that shiz out), I knew I had to post this story. 




Tia and I get each other. Cheapness and potty mouths and all. 

Geese hate me. Really all birds. But geese especially.

And they can sense my presence. 

Ever since I can remember, geese have chased me. 

At the park trying to feed them bread... they chase me down the dock. 

I grew up sort of kind of on a farm and there was a duck/goose thing (not sure which) that would hiss at me when I was near it. Not quack or squawk or whatever a goose does... hiss. Like a snake. A very evil, waddling snake. 

Then there was that time in the Netherlands when my friend Steven took one for the team when I was trapped on a bridge surrounded by geese. 

But let's explain how I got on that bridge. 

We had just arrived in the town of Maastricht in the Netherlands on basically zero sleep and also 12 kinds of jet lagged. We were hungry. My friend Steven and I had to plan an excursion for our group that day. So we decided to sit at an outdoor cafe and have lunch then go explore and get our excursion together. 

It is just he and I sitting at this table outside surrounded my many other tables, locals, and some tourists. 

Then a random guy off the street approaches me and says, "The swans. The swans?"

Confused, I repeat, "The swans?"

He said, "Yes. The swans. They are infected."

I said, "The swans are infected?"

He said, "Yes. The swans are infected."

And then he walks off.

I looked at Steven. He looked at me. We both shrugged our shoulders and made a mental note to stay away from the swans. 

Then the guy showed up again. 

He said, "My dad works for NATO."

I said, "Your dad works for NATO?"

He said, "Yes." 

Then he left again. 

Meanwhile, he has not once acknowledged my friend. 

We continued to wait on our food because there is no rush for that in Europe. And my strange NATO loving, swan infected friend rounds the corner again. 

He said, "Are you a doctor?"

I said, "No, I'm sorry. I'm not."

He said, angrily, "You aren't a doctor?!"

(I'm wearing an orange hoodie, jeans, and my hair is in a ponytail)

I said, "No. I'm not." 

Then he stormed off.

At this point, he's caught the attention of several tables around us and still has not acknowledged my friend at the table. This is torture specifically for me. 

He came back when we had our food and said, "The water in Germany is bad." 

I repeated, "The water in Germany is bad."

He said, "Yes."

And I couldn't help myself, I said, "From the swans?"

He said, "Yes. The swans are infected."

At this point I could handle no more. When he left I made my friend get the hell up because I didn't want to find out what was next in this saga. 

That's when we began our excursion of Maastricht. And that's when the battle of the geese commenced. 

They have this old wall around the city and they have made it into a beautiful little park. We were thinking this would be a great place to bring our class. 

In the distance, I make eye contact with the geese. And I said, "Shit. Steven geese hate me."

He laughed and said, "Oh I doubt that."

And the geese began their march towards me. I have no doubt they wanted to rip me limb from limb. 

I said, "SEE! They are already after me!"

He said, "They are just walking towards us. They probably want food."

I'm thinking, "I know. My flesh." But I didn't say that. 

They walked over to us while we were standing on the bridge and BLOCKED US ON THE BRIDGE. 

I hate geese. 

I said, "We should probably just go back."

We turned around and another effing gaggle of geese was coming to BLOCK US ON THE OTHER SIDE!

Cocky little shits too.

Dutch geese are MEAN! 

I'm laughing, a bit nervously, but it is funny at this point even though I don't know how I'm getting off the bridge. 

That's when Steven does it. He charges the geese. 

Geese ran in every direction and I sprinted off the bridge to an open area. 

And after reading Tia's story, I kind of wish I had punched one of those bastards.