WTF Wednesday: Mean People

I haven't blogged in a while and I'm sorry for that. I know all 12 of you were hanging on the edge of your seats wondering where I went. 

I may be a bit sparse in the coming weeks but I will do my best to pop in every once in a while. If any bloggers want to trade interview questions and swap, holla atcha girl! 

Today, I'd like to feature mean people. 

Dear Mean People of the World, 

WTF is wrong with you? Stop being being mean. It is unbecoming and it is a quick way to get pushed down the stairs if you catch me on a bad day. I have a bit of a tolerance problem for bullshit. 

Just be nice. If this is too hard for you I will gladly walk around and slap you with a sack full of bar soap every time you do something mean. Consider it my gift to society. 

Sincerely, 

The rest of society


I mean, for real though. Tornadoes just ripped through Arkansas. Utter devastation across the state. And then there are jackasses posting on Facebook about how the weathermen blew it out of proportion and they need to stop over-exaggerating the weather. 

Umm... 18 people died! I think they nailed that shit on the head. And also, from the perspective of someone who lost people in the tornado, you look like a giant douche canoe who thinks the world revolves around them. How's about your get your ass down here and help your fellow man instead of bitching that you didn't get to catch your show that night. 

Also, if you take pictures of people without them knowing and then post them on the internet so others can mock them... you are a bastard. Those are real people with real feelings and you just exploited that because you have a superiority complex. 

Finally, what is the deal with "one-uppers"? If someone tells you something that they did well... CELEBRATE WITH THEM! Don't point out how you did that before and you did it better than they did. Chances are if you are shallow enough to make that type of leap, you weren't that good anyway! If you can't earn the praise you desire, then just do better. Don't steal the joy of other people because you are mediocre. 

As you can tell, I have some thoughts on these issues. The moral of the story is simple. 

Just be nice.

Think about the people you like to be around. Typically they make you feel better about yourself in some way. 

Now think about the people you don't like to be around. They typically make you feel bad about yourself in some way. 

Which category do you want to be in?

That Time Sam got Locked in the Car

Hi! Mother of the year, here! 

I'm here to ensure that therapists around the country have job security! 

Here's the skinny. 

The other day, when Sam and I got home, we came into the kitchen and he starts yelling, "Mommy! We forgot my sack of eggs in the car!"

Me: "WE didn't. You did. Go get them." 

Sam: "But its outside."

Me: "Your legs aren't broken, you can open a car door, and the car is in the garage. Go get the eggs if you want them." 

Off he went and I proceeded with my religious ritual upon getting home of "de-business-clothing" and "pajama-suiting-up". 

After I got changed into my jammies at 6 pm (thankyaverymuch), Justin and I had a conversation about something unimportant I'm sure. About 5-7 minutes had passed at this point and I began to wonder where my 4 year old was. 

Then I remembered he went to the garage to get in the car. 

"AW CHIT! Sam is messing around in my car!" And off I went to see what he was messing with that he assuredly shouldn't be. 

I was almost to the garage when the horn starts honking. 

GREAT. 

I'm expecting to find a 4 year old in the prime of life hitting all the buttons and possibly knocking the car out of gear. 

What I found was a 4 year old FREAKING DAFUQ OUT and honking the horn like a crazy person. 

Tears were streaming down his face. 

I said, "SAM! Baby, what is the matter?!?!"

When I opened the car door, he came at me like a spider monkey on bed of fresh bananas. 

That kid has never squeezed me so tight! 

He says, "MOMMA! MOMMA! I WAS STUCK IN DA CAR AND I COULDN'T GET OUT SO I HONKA'D DA HORN SO YOU'D GET ME!!!!!"

He kept crying and hugging. Hugging and crying. Rinse and repeat. 

That poor thing was so scared. 

He wasn't locked in the car, btw. The doors were unlocked. He just couldn't get them to work. 

But can I hear it for the 4 year old who, amidst crisis, thought well enough to honk the horn and get my attention?! 

While the story is funny on the surface, this puts my mind at ease for his emergency response. Sure, he was freaking out, but he cognitively found a solution to his problem and then went for it! That's badass! 

When he does things that are smart, I like to explain to him why it was smart. And I did. 

And this is what I heard for two days straight...

"Momma, since I was a smart boy and honked the horn when I was locked in the car, do you think I deserve a treat?" 

Or,

"Do you think Susan will give me a treat for being a smart boy in the car when I honked to get out?" 

Or, 

"Momma, I was really scared in the car when I was locked in there and had to honk for you. Can I have a treat to make me feel better?"

You win some, you lose some, eh?

Obligatory Easter Post

I do love Easter. It is one of my favorite holidays. 

And Sam and I had a fantastic Easter weekend even if we didn't get to spend it "like a family," as Sam says. Justin went to visit his mom in St. Louis so it was just me and the boy all weekend long. 

It started on Saturday with Sam's tee ball game. He really likes running the bases. He still rounds home and then heads back to first. 

Then we watched Frozen again, this time because his Papa bought it for him for Easter. 

Am I the only one who doesn't adore this movie? SO MUCH SINGING! 

I do not enjoy random singing and between them singing to each other instead of talking (if you want to sing, sing a song. Don't just sing random words at people.) and "Do You Want to Build a Snowman"... I finally just tuned out. 

Yay sisterly love and men not running our lives and BURN THE BRAS... but just don't sing so much. 

But, Sunday morning was all the fun! 

I don't lie to Sam and tell him about the Easter bunny. Life sized rabbits sneaking into my house to leave a basket full of crap mom can buy at the store is weird. 

Also... I don't buy him an Easter basket with goodies. The basket is empty. If you want treats, ye best go hunt fer them in ye YARD like I did growing up. (apparently I'm a pirate)

Scratch that: My mom always got us a chocolate Easter bunny. And I would continue this tradition (because gnawing on frozen chocolate bunny butt is the bomb!) except my son can't eat chocolate and I'm too lazy to find out if they have a milk-free chocolate bunny version. 

I also saw this mad awesome post about Resurrection Rolls for Easter morning. You dip a marshmallow in butter (milk free in our case) and roll it in cinnamon and sugar, then wrap it in a crescent roll and bake as directed. The marshmallow represents Jesus' body, the cinnamon and sugar represent the spices to treat his body, and the crescent roll represents the tomb. 

After you bake it, the tomb is empty! (and delicious). 

Here is how it should look: 

Here is how mine looked: 

Oh well. They were still empty and delicious so who cares if they looked infected? Right? 

After we had breakfast I went to hide the eggs in the yard. Here are some preshies of Sam hunting them: 

 

He was very excited! 

Then we headed to church for more egg hunting fun! 

 Nap time could not have come faster. 

What was your favorite Easter moment?  

     

Eff all the Geese!

I was not planning this post today but after the lovely Tia at Hands On. Pants Off. gave me a shout out today and the very same day she tells a hilarious story about her husband punching a goose (not lying, go check that shiz out), I knew I had to post this story. 




Tia and I get each other. Cheapness and potty mouths and all. 

Geese hate me. Really all birds. But geese especially.

And they can sense my presence. 

Ever since I can remember, geese have chased me. 

At the park trying to feed them bread... they chase me down the dock. 

I grew up sort of kind of on a farm and there was a duck/goose thing (not sure which) that would hiss at me when I was near it. Not quack or squawk or whatever a goose does... hiss. Like a snake. A very evil, waddling snake. 

Then there was that time in the Netherlands when my friend Steven took one for the team when I was trapped on a bridge surrounded by geese. 

But let's explain how I got on that bridge. 

We had just arrived in the town of Maastricht in the Netherlands on basically zero sleep and also 12 kinds of jet lagged. We were hungry. My friend Steven and I had to plan an excursion for our group that day. So we decided to sit at an outdoor cafe and have lunch then go explore and get our excursion together. 

It is just he and I sitting at this table outside surrounded my many other tables, locals, and some tourists. 

Then a random guy off the street approaches me and says, "The swans. The swans?"

Confused, I repeat, "The swans?"

He said, "Yes. The swans. They are infected."

I said, "The swans are infected?"

He said, "Yes. The swans are infected."

And then he walks off.

I looked at Steven. He looked at me. We both shrugged our shoulders and made a mental note to stay away from the swans. 

Then the guy showed up again. 

He said, "My dad works for NATO."

I said, "Your dad works for NATO?"

He said, "Yes." 

Then he left again. 

Meanwhile, he has not once acknowledged my friend. 

We continued to wait on our food because there is no rush for that in Europe. And my strange NATO loving, swan infected friend rounds the corner again. 

He said, "Are you a doctor?"

I said, "No, I'm sorry. I'm not."

He said, angrily, "You aren't a doctor?!"

(I'm wearing an orange hoodie, jeans, and my hair is in a ponytail)

I said, "No. I'm not." 

Then he stormed off.

At this point, he's caught the attention of several tables around us and still has not acknowledged my friend at the table. This is torture specifically for me. 

He came back when we had our food and said, "The water in Germany is bad." 

I repeated, "The water in Germany is bad."

He said, "Yes."

And I couldn't help myself, I said, "From the swans?"

He said, "Yes. The swans are infected."

At this point I could handle no more. When he left I made my friend get the hell up because I didn't want to find out what was next in this saga. 

That's when we began our excursion of Maastricht. And that's when the battle of the geese commenced. 

They have this old wall around the city and they have made it into a beautiful little park. We were thinking this would be a great place to bring our class. 

In the distance, I make eye contact with the geese. And I said, "Shit. Steven geese hate me."

He laughed and said, "Oh I doubt that."

And the geese began their march towards me. I have no doubt they wanted to rip me limb from limb. 

I said, "SEE! They are already after me!"

He said, "They are just walking towards us. They probably want food."

I'm thinking, "I know. My flesh." But I didn't say that. 

They walked over to us while we were standing on the bridge and BLOCKED US ON THE BRIDGE. 

I hate geese. 

I said, "We should probably just go back."

We turned around and another effing gaggle of geese was coming to BLOCK US ON THE OTHER SIDE!

Cocky little shits too.

Dutch geese are MEAN! 

I'm laughing, a bit nervously, but it is funny at this point even though I don't know how I'm getting off the bridge. 

That's when Steven does it. He charges the geese. 

Geese ran in every direction and I sprinted off the bridge to an open area. 

And after reading Tia's story, I kind of wish I had punched one of those bastards.

WTF Wednesday: Pre-Dyed Eggs

Pre. Dyed. Easter. Eggs. 

What the flub? 

Is this real life? Are we really this lazy? 

Since this rant isn't about a magical human sized bunny that shits eggs to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus... let's just fly on past that subject. 

If you aren't into boiled eggs... there is this magical subsitution for you... they are called plastic eggs. 

Plastic eggs come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and color combinations. If you do not care for plain blue eggies, take the top off of some pink ones and mix and match those bad boys. 

No dying. No stinky egg smell. No rotten stank when you find one under your couch in three months. 

#winning

But if you prefer the boiled egg route, then, I don't know... 

DYE THE DAMN EGGS! 

That's the fun, yo! 

Share in the magical moment with child as they watch the eggs change colors! 

Who buys boiled eggs as treats for their children?!?! 

I don't know a kid out there that would choose a boiled egg over a plastic egg with candy goodness inside. 

Hell, shove some raisins in that plastic vessel and I'm still pretty sure the kids are going to choose that. 

So what is the point of BUYING dyed eggs. 

If you are dying the eggs... you are either being CHEAP (which I'm not judging on that... see Thrifty Thursday thread) or you are sharing the experience with your child. 

I'm pretty sure that magical experience with your child is not showing them that you can purchase colorful eggs from the grocer like any hobo off the street with $3. 

That's not magic. It is commerce. 

Veruca Salt wouldn't even fall for that shit if you told her it was pooped out by a unicorn. 

Folks.

Thrifty Thursday: Sodie Pop Refills!

It would appear I'm the only person in the world with this problem. 

I have noticed lately that when I am out at a restaurant, I seem to be the only one in my party that gets a refill on the way out. 

Am I the only one? 

Maybe I can't moderate my sodie pop intake and that is the trouble. 

But when I leave a restaurant that has just charged me $2 for a sodie that cost them all of 20 cents... I'M LEAVING WITH A REFILL! 

If I get back to the house or the office and want another, I get to pay another $1 - $1.50 for another one. 

WHY WOULD I DO THAT? 

It isn't like we are shipping nutritious sodie pops to the starving kids overseas... WHY NOT GET THE REFILL? 

Some people say they want to drink more water... 

But even those fools aren't getting a water to go!

Why are we you passing on this? 

And those of you who buy the gallon bucket of soda and popcorn at the movie theaters and then LEAVE WITHOUT GETTING THE REFILL... 

MIND. BLOWN.

 

It should be ever so evident now that I love to squeeze a penny and honestly, for me, this comes down to convenience AND getting the most for my money. 

I just feel like I'm leaving money on the table if I don't get the refill. 

What are your feelings on this? Are you with me or think I should be on Extreme Cheapskates? 

 

WTF Wednesday: Who the Hell is Lucy?

This post takes a bit of prep work but if you are into creepy shit kids say, hang around for it. 

 When I was pregnant with Sam but we didn't know if he was a he or a she, I asked my then 3 year old niece, Rylee, what I should name the baby. 

She said, "Lucy." 

I said, "Well what if it is a boy?"

She said, "Sam." 

The creepy part of that was my grandpa, Sam, died when I was in 4th grade. She didn't know that or his name. My sister and I have always missed him dearly but never really talk about him or his name. 

I was thrilled when Justin said we could name him Sam if he was a boy because it was meaningful in so many ways. 

Fast forward to creepy conversations with Sam. 

Sam has never heard that story. He knows Rylee wanted to name him Sam but that's about it. 

We were going to Walmart the other day, and Sam says, "Mom, I need to buy my sister a present." 

I said, "Your sister? Who is your sister?"

He said, "Lucy." 

He proceeded to tell me he met her in heaven and she isn't allergic to peanut butter like he his so she'd really like some peanut butter and she likes healthy food too so we could get her some of that. 

And I'm still here going,

"WTF?!?!?! WHO IS LUCY!?!?!?!" 


No, I'm not pregnant. No, I've never had a miscarriage. 

But if I do get pregnant and it is a girl, I'm not sure I'll tempt the gods by not naming her Lucy. 

What's the creepiest thing your kid has ever said?

Laughter Aerobics, AKA: Sam's First Tee Ball Game

Sam's first tee ball game was Saturday and Oh. My. Gawd.

That was the funniest thing I've ever witnessed.

The day began with us discovering that the youth "one size fits all" hat does, in fact, NOT fit all. I had that hat as loose as it would go and it still looked like "Hey Arnold" in a hat. 

So we made an emergency run to Lids to get an adult Yankees hat. 

When we got there, I told the young man working that we needed something much bigger than a youth size. 

He handed me something and said, "that should work." 

It didn't. 

We did this four more times before we found a 7 1/2 adult hat that fit! 

The little man said that's the biggest he's ever seen! That's my pumpkin head! 

He sure is cute though, right? 

Next was team pictures. Sam is directly in the middle in the front row. 

There is so much cuteness in that picture!

Now it was time to play ball!

Sam's team were home team so they got to take the field first. Sam's first position was third base. 

And man was he ready!

This is where it gets hysterical. Every time the ball was hit, Sam would run after the ball and then run after the runner... no matter where either went! He would end up in right field, second base, first base, home plate... and he would lap the bases with the runner as well! The whole stands were in stitches over him!

Good heavens we laughed so hard! 

He was up to bat next... 

When they took the field again, they put Sam in right field. This did not deter his mission to be involved with everything. 

He insisted on being everywhere the ball was. So they gave up and just put him at pitcher in the middle of the inning. 

He didn't know what to do with himself!

When he did get the ball in time, he just stood there looking around. He finally just decided to give it back to the other coach! LOL 

He got one more at bat before the game was over... 

At one point, Sam ran into the dugout and told one of the parents he was tired and needed to sit down for a little bit. I don't doubt that he was tired because he pretty much ran the entire game! The coach said, "Sam came to PLAY today!" 

We had so much fun! After the game, one of the coaches stopped me and said, "You'd better get that boy some popcorn!" 

I cracked up because I had no idea what he was talking about. Apparently, for the entirety of the game, he kept asking if it was time for popcorn yet! I guess he smelled it on the way in.

We left and got him a slushie and some popcorn. Then he took a 3.5 hour nap! All that running took it out of him!

I hope all of the games are this funny! What has been your experience with 4 year olds and tee ball?

Who is "Momma" and Why Does She Have a "Dude's Name"?

Your guess is as good as mine on the dude's name. My guess is that my parents saw an opportunity for me to learn to spell at a very early age, because as long as I can remember I've said, "My name is Rikki. R-I-K-K-I."

But my name fits like a glove. 

Why? 

1. I'm the cheapest woman on the planet (It isn't a sale unless it is 75% off or more)
   
   
2. I want to watch comedies or action. The Notebook makes me want to vomit. I read Twilight and 50 Shades just so I could argue my point that they both suck (wow do they ever).
3. A hot dog, a beer, and a baseball game sound like heaven for me. Crafting, scrapbooking, or gardening sound like fresh hell topped with a "whuck-no".
   
   
4. I am a playful parent but far from June Cleaver.  
   
   I cuss around my son. He does not cuss. He understands when he can vote, he can cuss. Until then, them's votin' words.
   
   I threaten my child. On any given day, I may threaten to sell him to gypsies, make him live under the porch, or trap him in his room with an angry snake. Luckily, he typically counters with a, "You teasin' me, momma?"
   
   Sam has had a variety of nicknames coined by yours truly: "Pumpkin-head", "butt nugget", "thievin' little monkey", and "little shit" to name a few.
   
   
5. I want very badly to love exercise and cleaning. Turns out I like napping way better.
   
   
6. I do not file or paint my nails. I make an effort to look nice most days but having a weekend where I'm not even required to shower is as nice as a microwaved donut. And if it is going to take me more than 30 minutes to get ready, I best be meeting the President or Robert Downey Jr. 

This blog serves to just be real with people. Parents mess up. Kids say funny things. The universe does some weird stuff. I like to be snarky and give my opinions when no one asks for them. 

Welcome to Momma's world.

WTF Wednesday: The Many Uses of Disposable Panties

Surely you didn't miss the Disposable Panty post, did you? If so, brush up on your knowledge here before continuing on.

After this discovery of disposable panties and the uncontrollable urge to buy them, I decided to see how else they could benefit the world.

Sit back and judge enjoy.

ONE: Disposable Panty

Modeled here by yours truly, this is the product you are working with. They are elastic edged, however, they only stretch so far so I'm not sure what "free-size" means. Also, putting them on top of jeans does give the illusion you have a hint of a penis.


TWO: Face Mask

Tracy is modeling here the "traditional" face mask. But if you are into a bit creepier look...

I am modeling the "put the lotion in the basket" model here. Either way will keep the bad breathies in and the bad germies out.

THREE:Stylish Hair Accessories

You can't go wrong with a disposable panty headband. It is pink. It is fluffy. And frankly, it looks good on you. But if you aren't a headband girl, that's okay. 

You can use it a scrunchy! I know they haven't been popular in about 20 years or so, but retro is SO IN right now. 


FOUR: Protective Shoe Booties

 

We have all been there. You walk into an establishment and your shoes stick to the floor. This is a problem no longer! Keep a pack of disposable panties handy and they can rescue your shoes from the stickies. 

FIVE:  Laptop Screen Protector

Leaving for a bit? Slip on a disposable panty laptop cover and keep most of your screen protected! 

SIX: Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder

We've all been there. Ran out of the house and forgot the bra... no problem if you are packing some extra disposable panties! They secure your breasts and make all of you (winky face) a bit more perky. 

SEVEN: Coffee cup heat protector

Sometimes Starbucks gets a little over-zealous with the coffee heat, am I right? Disposable panties to the rescue! Simply wrap one around your cup and tie in a knot! Now your hands are protected, and let's face it, it looks fantastic. 

EIGHT: Hands Free Cell Phone Device

Bluetooth is for chumps! Just wrap a disposable panty around your head and it nestles your phone lovingly to your ear! It is practical, stylish, and will show your boss your originality and ingenuity.

NINE: Get-Along Device

You've seen the get along shirt. But I present to you the "get-along panty." 

You may start off afraid of each other, but you will end up... 

happy to be in the get along panties together... 


TEN: 50 Shades of Bondage

The right panty can really bring the right amount of kink to the bedroom and this panty is no different. A few twists around the wrist and your partner will be bound and thrilled... you're welcome. 


Do you have any other uses for this genius invention?