The first time my son rode an escalator

You are welcome on-lookers at Park Plaza Mall.

I need to tell the whole story though.

I have been out of town for four days. Translation: I have been missing my son more than I'd miss air at the bottom of the ocean.

When I picked him up at Susan's, his first words to me were, "Momma! I love you!" "Momma, we go to Chick a Lay (Chik-fil-a)?"

**Reminder: My son has been coming downstairs in the middle of the night and finding Chucky-like ways to wake me up in a possessed boy induced panic.**

I said, "Sure, Sam. We can go to the mall and eat Chik-fil-a. Do you want to pick out a lollipop at the candy store that you can have if you don't come downstairs tonight?"

He said, "YAY!"

Then there was a pause. And he says, "Momma, I sleep downstairs with you tonight?"

This child is ridiculous.

I said, "Sam you have to stay upstairs so you can get your lollipop."

He says, "you said I not get on the stairs! I sleep down stairs wif you so I not get on the stairs!"

I've said it before, but it bears repeating, being this child's parent scares the be-Jesus out of me. 

We worked it out where we would go to the mall, eat our chicken, then pick out a lollipop (a big one for our reward for sleeping upstairs and not coming downstairs, specifically. And a small candy for tonight just for being a good boy).  

After we ate our chicken, we headed to the candy store. And the first thing we saw were the lollipops!

 

 

 

 

Check out the joy on this child's face!

The saying, "Giddy like a kid in a candy store," has new meaning to me. We had so much fun!

He kept saying, "Momma, I get dis lollipop. No I get dis lollipop. I have dis big one right here. No, momma, dis one is too heavy." 

Once we picked our lollipop, we picked out some candy to get too. He ended up with peach-os, some grapefruit gummies (FYI: If you hate grapefruit already, gummifying it and coating it in sugar helps it about as much as I imagine gummifying poop and covering it in sugar does... it's still shit no matter how you slice it), some candy blocks, and a giant gummy snake. 

I got Justin some "zots" and I got myself a good old fashioned mommy favorite: grand marnier chocolates (mmmm chocolate and liqueur). 

As we checked out, Sam decided that his life couldn't continue unless he touched every piece of candy in a two mile radius. This was unsettling to me. 

So I said, "Sam Turner, if you don't get over here and stop touching everything, I'm giving your candy to a homeless person." 

The lady checking us out gave me this concerned look and said, with a straight face, "Please don't do that." 

I'm not sure if her concern was Sam losing his candy or a homeless person losing his teeth, but either way, my son started behaving. I call that a win. (She may have called DHS)

The first time he tried the candy blocks, he made this face: 

They were really hard to chew.

We finished up there and went to leave. Now, when we got to the mall we had to go down the escalator.

There might as well have been a creepy clown handing out rusty razor blades blocking the escalator.

He screamed, "NO MOMMY. NO. NO. NO. Hold me!"

He is darn near 40 lbs, ya'll. I do not need to be carrying this child.

But I did and we made it.

So on the way back to the escalators, I said, "Sam, can you be a big boy and get on the escalator yourself?"

He said, "I can try a little bit."

I'll take it.

Now to explain this video is going to be tricky. Watch it. When it becomes blurry, listen and listen hard. What ensued while this video took place had many a'people in the mall laughing hysterically.

To translate what you heard in the video: "Uh, Uh, Will you get me?! huh... Huh.... Wimper... cry... Uh, Uh, Will you get my drink?!"

So as you can see, his apprehension about the escalator didn't exactly pan out for him. He ended up riding up the escalator. On his stomach. Feet above head. 

Why did you see our candy bag and not the whole ordeal? 

Call me crazy, but I decided that the video was not as important as helping my child up. But I forgot to stop it. 

I realized I forgot to stop it once I got him standing and I turned it off.

The next thing my child said was, "I AM NOT HAVING FUN!!!!" 

Meanwhile, the entire mall who witnessed this is still laughing.