Diaper Cream Analysis and Invention

(I'm so one of those uncool mothers... as if it weren't official before..."

My son has his first go round with the "omg... flesh eating diarrhea turned my booty to pepperoni pizza sans the cheese!" virus. You are welcome for the pretty accurate description.

He has had diaper rash before. Nothing compared to this demon though. Let me give you the "before" thoughts on diaper cream.

1.) Desitin STINKS! Literally and figuratively. I have no idea why people buy it. It smells awful. It sticks to your hands much better than it sticks to the baby's booty. And... well other than covering the redness for the full 10 seconds it lasts, I have no idea what it is actually supposed to do.

2.) Butt paste. I have to admit, when I went shopping for it, I giggled a lot. I'm totally the mom that would jump on the "butt paste" wagon just to be able to say "butt paste is the best!" And I really wanted it to be true. Turns out, it doesn't stink as badly as Desitin. Works a little bit better than Desitin. But sticks to the booty about as long. Not worth the money. My honest opinion about why it is so popular... If it is called "butt paste" it appeals to our junior high selves and let's be real, its more fun to buy. Whoever marketed this is genius. I'm thinking of inventing a lip balm that is called "Baby Butt Lips". You'd buy it. Don't act like you wouldn't.

3.) Balmex. In my opinion, the best over the counter there is. This stuff is a bit harder to rub onto the tiny tushee... but guess what? It sticks! And what now? It gets rid of the diaper rash! HOLD. THE. PHONE. You mean it does what it advertises that it should do?! Remarkable.

This brings us to Friday. Balmex rocks. All others fail miserably.

Then the pepperoni pizza booty enters the game. My son is screaming in agony as I poor cold water over his bottom. No wipes. Just water. That hurt him. Tear my heart out and play soccer with it. OMG

So... I thought, $40 copay for the after hours clinic is SO WORTH the prescription Nystatin (sp... dunno... don't care... wanted it). So we go.

And while waiting, my son goes all exorcist on me and I leave in two hospital gowns (one for the front... one for the back... no one wants to see anything I've got hidden underneath) and Sam in a "Arkansas Children's Hospital" onesie. Oh... and we got the prescription.

You can only give the cream 4 times a day. We follow directions. He had diarrhea at least 12,456 times that day. Does. Not. Compute.

So what's a girl to do for the other 12,452 diaper changes? (The math is right. Trust me.)

Enter Rikki. You see Vaseline has lots of great qualities... namely keeping the putrid mustard gas filled diarrhea from contacting already sensitive skin.

But it doesn't "heal." My trusty Balmex does.

You know what else does? Hydrocortizone cream.

A couple of spoonfuls of Vaseline. A couple of spoonfuls of Balmex (Skip the tube. Get the small tub of Balmex. It is worth it.) And a squirt or two of Hydrocortizone cream. Stir that around with a butter knife (or something else more genius) and VIOLA! Stamps out pepperoni butt.

Of course, the Nystatin played its vital role. But I slathered the other stuff on there like I was buttering a roll on Thanksgiving and MAN! Did I ever see much improvement!

That is all for my tails of butt creams, rubs, ointments, and salves.

Let the arguing ensue... I know there are die hard people out there who support the "lesser-than" diaper creams. This is just my experience.