WTF Wednesday: Chewing Gum is Dumb

Have you seen this new video claiming that chewing gum makes you seem more approachable? 

If you haven't, catch up here: 



Imma take my filter off real quick, don't say I didn't warn you. 

That is the dumbest shit I have ever seen in my life. 

What the actual fuck? 

I have to admit, while watching, I did find the person chewing gum more attractive, approachable, and genuinely nice human being. 

Would you like to know why? 

Because their identical twin was STARING A HOLE THROUGH MY SOUL WITH NO EMOTIONS ON THEIR DEMENTOR FACE!

Who wouldn't find someone who looks normal more appealing than Charles Manson? 

Let's test it shall we? 

Which Rikki do you like better? 

Smiling Rikki? 

Or will likely eat you for dinner Rikki? 

Here is another challenge...

Rikki chewing gum? 

Or Rikki trying to chew her own face? 

The thing is, when these sweet, cuddly and cute videos hit the interwebs, there are actually people out there that will strive to chew more gum. 

Before you hit the checkout rack, heed my advice: 

BE NICE! SMILE! 

Chewing gum around me is downright dangerous most of the time anyway. I will jab a rusty fork in your nards sack real quick for smacking that crap.  

Just smile. It isn't hard. 

If you find smiling hard, let me give you a tutorial. 

1. Locate the corners of your mouth. 
2. Think real hard and bring the right corner of your mouth up as far as you can get it. Try to touch your eyebrow with it. 
3. Repeat with the left side. 
4. VOILA! You are now smiling like a moron on free Dum-Dum day! 

You're welcome.  

Also win something cool from my gal Tia! 

Awards and Answers and Panties, Oh My!

I just said the "p"word. In a title. Ermagerd. 

The lovely Christine from Sold Out Arenas (funny story about that title in a moment) nominated me for an award and since I am ALL THE BLOGGY LAZY right now, I'm going to use this as my post for the day! 

*FUNNY STORY ASIDE*

She got the name Sold Out Arenas from the Talk Dirty to Me song. The song where it says, "Sold out arenas you can suck my penis." 

Except that I didn't know it said penis. I giggle every time I hear it (even more so now) because I was singing it, "Sold out arenas you can suck my wiena." 

Short for weiner. In case you didn't get it. 

I'm so gangster. 

Anyway, on to the award! 

Rules:

1. Post 11 random facts about yourself

2. Answer 11 questions from the blogger than nominated you

3. Nominate 11 bloggers to receive the award

4. Write your own 11 questions for those bloggers

5. Notify them of the award.

1. I'm addicted to flossies (the little flossy pics). I use them every morning on the way to work. It just feels good. They give me a gumgasm. 

2. I haven't cooked in days. The summer is hot and cooking sounds completely uninteresting. We have lived off of hotdogs and sandwiches. Don't worry, we get plenty of fruits and vegetables. 

3. I'm really starting to get into dog shaming. My little poodle is a little shit and I think the world should know. 

4. I watch Friends every night before bed. I have all ten seasons on DVD and I watch them in sequential order. 

5. I also eat things in even numbers. Today, I had to admit out loud that it was because I alternate which side of my mouth I eat them on and I like my mouth to feel even. My word, I am crazy. 

6. I'm addicted to Scandal. I got addicted on Netflix and now I don't know how I will manage just watching one show at a time. 

7. Big Brother starts next week and that is my guilty pleasure TV. 

8. I still have mosquito bite scars from last summer. The buggies love me. 

9. I get up to pee 18 times a night. I turn on the light in the bathroom every time because I don't want to step on a spider. 

10. Diet Dr. Pepper and whipped cream vodka is what dreams are made of. 

11. I use coconut oil on my legs after I shave and even I like stroking me legs they feel so soft. #notashamed

Here are 11 bloggers that I am nominating.. they may or may not participate.. Do they even know who I am? 

1. Anyone who dang well wants to. Steal it and tell me to add your name. We'll make it look legit. 

Here are your 11 Questions

1. WordPress or Blogger
   Blogger. I don't know anything about Wordpress and Blogger synced with my gmail. I'm easy to please. 
2. What is your favorite Blog Post
   So many! I'll go with one of my funniest: WTF Wednesday: The Big Pink Pt. 2
   This is really two in one because you need to read the first "Big Pink" post to understand this one. Thank me later. 
3. How did you come up with the name of your Blog?
   Well let's see. I have a dude's name. And every time I say, "momma's got a dude's name" it puts an Aerosmith song in my head. 
4. Worst thing about being a Blogger?
   When life gets busy, it is really easy to neglect the blog. I actually feel guilty when I can't post. 
5. Best thing about being a Blogger?
   All the people you meet! I feel like I have good friends all across the country now! 
6. When was your Blog born?
   Ugh. I think in 2008. And it was CRAP!
7. Is there anything you will not discuss on your Blog?
   Work. I will talk in generalities but that's it. 
8. Do your family and friends know about your Blog?
   Yes. Most of them follow. 
9. Do you have a goal for your Blog?
   I don't have a certain number of followers I want or anything. I want my blog to eventually lead me to paid speaking gigs. 
10. Have you received negative feedback about your Blog?
    I cuss too much. I shouldn't be allowed to rear children (in my opinion rearing children sounds dirty and no one ought to be doing that). Those are the two main ones. Also, people don't agree with my political/religious views. 
11. What is one thing we don’t know about your blog?
    The name of it used to be "No, I Don't Have a Water Buffalo, Do You?" And no, I didn't name it after the VeggieTales song. 

Now, win you some panties! Giveaway ends on the first day of summer! 

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WTF Wednesday: Lady Business and Lady Giveaways!

If you can make it to the end of this post, there is a RAD giveaway waiting just for you. But first.. you get to listen to me bitch for a bit (or scroll down to the bottom... I'll never know).

I've had some lady business issues as of late. I'll spare you the gory details but the reader's digest version is as follows:

• My monthly visitor that I've grown to hate has decided to move in permanently and not pay rent. For two months now. No one likes a mooch, especially one that makes you feel like shit. 
• So much acne. And of course, it is right in the middle of my face for the whole world to see. Nothing makes you feel sexier than looking up overnight acne treatments on pinterest when you are 30 FREAKING YEARS OLD. (also, Listerine and toothpaste does not work. It does burn like fire though).
• All the pain. All on the right side but all the pain. Sharp pains where I can't stand up, dull pains all the time, crampy pains... you get it. Ouch. 

 I finally got fed up and went to the doctor. She listens to me and my history (which is EXTENSIVE in the lady bit department). I get a preliminary diagnosis of...

• Ovarian cyst (had a feeling that was coming)
• Endometriosis (also had a feeling that was coming, but we can't be sure on that one without cutting me open and I'm just not interested unless it is necessary)
• Hormonal inbalance (you mean 30 year old women aren't supposed to have out of control acne?!)

She mentioned Mirena as a possible solution. Take away the monthly visitor and the endometriosis won't flare up, relieving most of the pain. It would also prevent ovulation which should take care of the cyst. Also it is baby repellant for 5 years and that's rad.

I said let's do it.

She said, "We can schedule an appointment."

I said, "We can't do it today?"

She said, "Well, you are already in pain today and since you never dilated with your son, putting the Mirena in will hurt a lot too."

I said, "It is going to hurt regardless. I already hurt regardless. If this is the solution then let's do it."

She asked 1000 times if I was sure and I just didn't see how waiting on it to hurt was any different than it hurting now. Let's do this.

SHE WEREN'T KIDDING! PAIN! SO MUCH PAIN! 

It was like she was trying to yank my uterus out of me! With her bare hands.

There was nothing kind nor gentle about it. She roughed me up from the inside and didn't even buy me a drink first!

It was so awful I had to lie on the table for 20 minutes afterwards because they were afraid I was going to pass out.

Me. Pass out from pain.

Me. Who knows what it feels like to have a c-section and have no pain medication at all afterward.

Me. Who has had several ovarian cysts rupture.

Me. Who has never passed out at all, certainly not from pain.

I had no color. I was gasping for air.

After the 20 minutes was up, they allowed me to sit up. When I tried to stand up, my knees buckled.

That's not what you want.

So even though work has been KARAZAY and I have all the stuff to do, I showed up at Susan's house and laid down on her couch to let the drugs kick in.

My doctor did tell me after it was all said and done, "You were brave for doing that while already in pain. And you didn't cry or scream or throw up."

I said, "Well all of those crossed my mind, I just didn't see how they would help at the time."

Lawd hab mercy that was an unwelcomed afternoon activity. This shit better work.

 

Speaking of lady bits, do you want some free sexy stuff to cover them with? Well look no further because 10 of us bodacious blogger babes have brought YOU the chance to win $100 from Victoria's Secret. Enter the rad little Rafflecopter below and show your girls some love! The giveaway ends on the first official day of summer! Enter now!

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30 about 30

I turned 30 today! 

And my best friend and her posse of conspirators started me out on the right foot! 

I love birthdays. They are my favorite. Second only to Mother's Day. 

It is just a day filled with joy (or it should be). It is a day of celebration and laughter (again, or it should be). 

I have a fun filled day ahead, but I wanted to share 30 (gasp!) thoughts I have on being 30. 

1) Why is 30 such a big deal to people? This is fun! It is a milestone! 

2) Based off of #1, women who lie about their age make me sad. Be proud you are the age you are! You worked for it! If you are lying about your age, you are kind of setting us back with the whole feminist thing. Rock your age! You don't have to be young to be beautiful. Don't be vain. It is unbecoming. 

3) I have some pretty amazing friends. My best friend, Gena, has really gone above and beyond to make this day special for me. She organized her team to decorate my office for today (which EVERYTHING WAS WRAPPED! Including: computer screen, keyboard, mouse, every knick-knack on my desk, my chair, my markers... you name it), she had a coffee waiting on me this morning, and when she realized my husband was going to be out of town for my 30th, she took over plans for the night to make sure it is special. I super fluffy love her and everyone who made it possible. :-)

Here is me unwrapping my office:  

4) I'M SO GLAD TO FINALLY BE 30! I know that sounds like blasphemy to a lot of people, but being in your 20s and trying to be taken seriously in your career is HARD! The second anyone finds out you are 20-something the conversation changes. It is like you have to be 30 to be respected. I'm so glad I'm here! 

5) Today, when I offered my son a "patty" for breakfast (sausage mcmuffin from mcdonalds), he asked why I was being nice to him. I said, "Because making you happy makes me happy and I should be happy on my birthday." He then said, "Well... I want egg on it then. With salt. And jelly on the sausage." He's an opportunist if I ever saw one.

6) During my 30th year of life, I begin my journey to earn my doctorate. That is pretty rad. 

7) My 30s will be such a fun time to be Sam's mom. He will start kindergarten AND junior high all within these ten years. Holy smokes! 

8) I would really like to make it out of my 30s not being on cholesterol medicine. 

9) Speaking of, I need a work out accountability partner. 

10) If anyone would like to buy or give me a treadmill so I can walk and read for graduate school without falling asleep, I will be forever grateful and it will aid in me accomplishing #8. 

11) At some point in my 30s, I'd like to hire a housekeeper. For reals. 

12) Once I finish my doctorate, I'd like to become a paid speaker. I made it a goal to become one this year by getting at least one paid engagement, and I'm still very much open to that idea, but that side hustle is going to have to be put on hold for a bit. 

13) I would also really like to see my husband get into a job where he is supported and appreciated for his talents and not suppressed and stifled constantly.  #thankyousmalltownpolitics

14) I don't have gray hairs yet. I may never notice if I do because SO MUCH HAIR!!!

15) Do I have to start using wrinkle cream now? That sounds awful. 

16) I'm over halfway done with my 30 things! 

17) Holy crap... I'm halfway to 60 years old!

18) My husband always says that women get droopy as they get older and men get distinguished. That's some shit! 

19) I really hope we are able to adopt within the next ten years. 

20) I'm very lucky to be in a career that I love at an institution that I love working with people that I love. 



21) I'm going to eat a big ole greasy cheeseburger for lunch on my 30th birthday... no bread, of course! 

22) I'm also going to have something wonderful and some place with "gypsie" in the title tonight! I'm also going to have a drinky or two! 

23) And when I get home, I'm going to drink some more of the delicious Belgian peach beer I found the other day. 

24) I love attention on my birthday (only day out of the year that I can be the center of attention and not get all twitchy and weird) but I DESPISE being sung to. No happy birthday to you for me. None. Stopitdon't. 

25) I may have set a too lofty goal of getting 30 things in. 

26) TWSS

27) I crack myself up. I'm also kind of gross. 

28) During my thirties, I want to travel outside the country again. Justin, an excellent way to do this would be to book a cruise for celebration when I graduate. Mark it down now. 

29) I'm ready to see what Sam "made" for me today at Susan's. He said he was going to have her let him make me something today for my birthday. 

30) IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, YA'LL! Proceed with the DIVA DEMONSTRATION! 

Pay it Forward for a Friend... for FREE!

Good Tuesday morning to you all! 

We've all heard of the Pay it Forward movement where you just do something nice for someone else without any expectation of something in return. 

And for you longer time followers, you know that my mother had leukemia (in remission) and my MIL is currently battling leukemia.

One of my friends is also battling lymphoma right now. She's my age. She has two kids. And she is hands down one of the nicest people on the planet. Please take the time to read her story and consider becoming a registered bone marrow donor. 

Meet Jessi: 

A little over 3 years ago I had given birth to my youngest son and then almost 11 months later (at the ripe old age of 27) they found that I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  

It was extremely advanced in its size (about the size of a small watermelon aka cantaloupe aka way too freaking huge) and so the journey of 9 months of chemo treatments and then 1 month of radiation ensued.  During that time you learn how truly giving and loving people are.  Many people, many of whom I had yet to get to know closely came and cleaned my house, brought my family meals, and took me to treatments.  I am truly blessed.  

After this long and arduous journey- it was OVER and I thought "yay, life could begin once again!!" 

I was in remission April 2013.  Not knowing that I truly was at risk for recurrence this quickly, my family and I made a game changing decision, and I took a job in Sidney, NE at Cabela's corporate headquarters.  Once I moved I found a new set of doctors, and they diligently participated in my check ups and made sure I was ok.  Then came March 2014 and they thought they saw the cancer becoming active again.  

I think I about crumbled, having gone through so much already, it was definitely the worst news!  May 2014 confirmed it after an extensive biopsy, and since then I have been on the journey once again- to kick this shit in the ass!   

Tomorrow I start my 2nd round of chemo on this recurrence journey.  After I finish my second round, I will then station myself in Denver for roughly 1 1/2-2 months for my stem cell transplant.  Here comes the tricky part... because of the massive doses of chemo I've already received the doctors aren't certain whether or not I can produce the 5 million stem cells needed for the transplant, so I MAY or MAY NOT need a donor.  My brothers have both been enlisted to sign up because they have the likely hood of being a 25% chance match.  Because my treatment is coming up so quickly (possibly mid July), and it takes a few weeks to get kits in and then send back, I've enlisted the support of many of my friends to help on this journey!  

Here's the thing, I love to live!  I just simply think it's pretty freaking fantastic, and I'd like to spend so much more time on this earth, watch my kids graduate high school, college, get married!  I want those things so badly!  So for the love of Jesus please go and sign up to be a donor.  If you're not a match for me, you could save someone else's life!  My biggest wish is that for my 30th birthday I'll get to say I'm officially in remission- hair or not- I'll take it! :) And I need loving and charitable people like you!!! 

If you haven't previously registered as a donor, please go here and it today! It is so easy! 

 BECOME A DONOR


You put in your information, they send you a kit, you swab the inside of your cheek and mail the swab back to them. 


That's it. And you are a registered hero! If they call you because you are a match for someone, they pay for everything and it is almost always as simple as giving blood. 

Speaking from personal experience here, the hope of a match is EVERYTHING. 

Someone out there registered as a donor and has afforded us more time with my mother in law. For those who have been wondering how she is doing, she is still in St. Louis under treatment, but the transplant was successful! 

The first bone marrow test post transplant revealed NO CANCER and 100% of the bone marrow was the donor's! 

Whoever this donor is will never know what they have done for our family. 

And you could be that person for Jessi. You can't find a better person to be a hero for. Do it for her, do it for her kids... just do it. Please. 

As Jessi so eloquently puts it, SWAB IT LIKE ITS HOT!  

 

Feel free to share this on any social media you care too. We need more donors! 

Just Call me Clock Head

I had an interesting encounter on Saturday. 

Sometimes, as a side hustle, I proctor exams on Saturdays. 

This last Saturday was a DOOZY! 

Have you ever sat through a proctored exam? (LSAT, PRAXIS, ACT, MPRE... etc)

So. Much. Boring. 

And the person reading the instructions and checking you in... yeah that's me. 

I'm the mechanical pencil nazi. 

I'm the cell phone nazi. 

I'm the "I'm sorry you got married and changed your last name on your drivers license but your name on your ID doesn't match your admission ticket, no test for you today," nazi. 

I'm the behavior patrol, gum patrol, beeping watch patrol. 

As a proctor, you have to command the respect of the room. Less problems arise that way. You can't seem soft or you can lose control of the room and then that causes people to do poorly on a life-changing test. 

No bueno. 

I normally do really well at this. Until Saturday. 

The second test rolled around. It began with having to reject someone for the married name fiasco. Then right as I was about to begin the test (note: about to) a person showed up late which meant I had to let him in because we hadn't began the test yet. (This makes me stabby, by the way. It is a life changing test. SHOW UP ON TIME!)

After everyone was ready to go, we passed out the books. I was a little overzealous and flipped a binder clip across the room. 

It was a nice break in tension. No big deal. Everyone laughed. 

Passed out the tests. I tell them to begin testing. 

That's when I went to plug in the official time clock. 

This clock is your normal, classroom wall clock. It is hanging above my head. 

When I went to plug it in, the cord was wrapped around my chair legs. 

Ever the problem solver, I go to untangle it because it is muy importante that the time is kept accurately for these tests. 

And then there was a loud crash and a throbbing on my head... 

And a broken clock in the floor. 

GREEAAAATTTT

I ignore my headache and bustle around to plug it in to see if it still works without the plastic cover on it (I really need to keep the time for the test!) and it did. The second hand began moving so I encouraged everyone to begin the test. 

Meanwhile, ouch. 

Everything seems to be back on track and then I look at the clock to check the time and the second hand is no longer moving. 

AH. CHIT. 

I get up to go outside and call the supervisor to send me a new clock. As I get up to leave, I misjudge the distance between my knee and the large metal desk blocking me from the door. 

BANG!!!!

Yup. Just busted my knee in the middle of a GOD FORSAKEN PROCTORED EXAM! AHHHH!!

That arguably hurt worse than the clock falling on my head not 15 minutes before. 

And now people are giggling at me.

That is exactly what you want as the proctor. Except it is not. 

I did finally get the new clock and all was well again in the world. After the test was over, several of the examinees were concerned for me. At the end of the test when I normally say, "Thank you for your cooperation, you may now leave," I said, "Thank you for your cooperation and stifling your laughter at me while I made a fool of myself. My ego appreciates it." 

Then the other proctor for the day kept checking on me, saying, "You could have died!" 

I think that was a bit dramatic but I certainly did leave that test more banged up than usual. 

Bless my heart. 

Thrifty Thursday: I'm a Two-Speed Pony

Self-awareness is important for your personal success. I whole-heartedly believe this. 

You need to know what you do well and what you don't. I need to know why I prefer to act a certain way and why others do not. 

So much so that I take personality tests all the time. 

I can answer all of the following questions: 

What is your Myer's Briggs type? 
 ISFJ

What are your top five strengths?
Empathy, Developer, Adaptability, Relator, Belief

What is your color? 
Even mix of gold and blue

What is your animal? 
Koala

Are you a type A or type B personality? 
Type A (and all who know me and this test in particular are all giggling at the idea I could ever be classified as type B)

You name it, I've taken it and I've read about what it says about me as an individual. 

One thing none of these really address is the fact that everything in my life comes in one of two speeds: 

1) Not moving at all (parked, stationary, completely inactive)

2) Super turbo fast (hard and fast, full concentration with a heaping helping of perfection)

That's it. That's all I've got.

And because I come in two speeds, I'm often left extremely frustrated. 

Chop chop, people! Why don't you go at my pace?! Can't you see this is important?! Can't you see how awesome this is going to be?! WHY DON'T YOU CARE AS MUCH AS I DO?!?!

It frustrates me to no end! I frequently get to a point at work where I can literally do nothing else on a project until someone else does something. 

And this is my face while I'm waiting on them while watching their activity on Facebook.

And I think 15 steps ahead of everyone. So when people are actually shocked that something has gone wrong when I saw it coming a mile away and more often than not, warned them it would happen, it baffles me. 

This is just some insight into my brain. 

Recently, we (Justin and I) made a very important decision. We live with the belief that debt is the devil. We both want to adopt. We both want me to get my doctoral degree. 

Those three goals DO. NOT. MIX. 

We made a plan about a year ago to get X amount in savings, then pay for doctoral classes without loans, finish the degree, then pursue adoption. 

While we had a plan and that was all well and good, it didn't seem like we were moving fast enough. Saving X amount of money was going to be hard and take a long time. 

I'm not a big fan of waiting. 

Interestingly enough, this is how Justin actually wakes up.

Recently, my institution re-instated the graduate degree discount for employees. 

That's right. I get to enroll in my doctoral program at 90% off! 

Shut. Up. 

I get to accomplish a goal AND be cheap?! THERE REALLY IS A GOD! 

So in true Rikki fashion, I filled out my graduate school application, got a transcript from my previous degrees together, and had a meeting scheduled with the director of the department within the first week. Then I scheduled my GRE for Monday. 

That's right. Less than a week away. 

I'll study this weekend and take it on Monday. 

And I'm enrolling in my first class in July. 

Why wait? There is no reason other than to let time pass and the time will pass anyway so  I might as well make some progress. 

Holy smokes, Batman. I did it. 

When I feel froggy, I jump. And damn did I jump! 

This is a big deal for me and I'm very excited about it. I've wanted to go back to school since about the moment I stopped... and that should say something about my dork level because I WORK AT A UNIVERSITY! You would think I'd be all funned out by now. 

But in my line of work, it is becoming increasingly difficult to rise to a higher position without a terminal degree. If I can achieve it, I need to. Job security is everything. And since I'm batshit crazy a big ole' dork, it is time.

So buckle up everyone. Because in about six years (kill me now that is TOO FAR AWAY), you'll have to call me DOCTA!!! (except don't b/c that will make me really awkward and uncomfortable).

WTF Wednesdasy: That Awkward Moment When...

I am an awkward moment magnet. One day I'll share some of the real doozies with you, but here are some of my more tame favorites. 

That awkward moment when... you make eye contact when eating a banana (or sucking on a popsicle). Friendly hint: Super awkward insurance requires you always lift the phallic object to your mouth and never bring your mouth down to the phallic object. Trust me. 

That awkward moment when... you know for sure you don't recognize the person waving at you but you don't want to be rude so you furiously wave back and smile and then they give you this weird look and avert eye contact. That's when you notice their BFF behind you giving you the judgey-eye. 

That awkward moment when... you get home from a long day and the first thing you see in the mirror is that piece of spinach you ate for lunch 6 hours ago. Meanwhile, you thought your co-workers were your friends. 

That awkward moment when... you are trying desperately to get out a thought and you get that dry tickle in your throat that causes you to cough like you are having an asthma attack. You try and try to get it under control and everyone just stares at you while you hack yourself into oblivion. 

That awkward moment when... you are in an intimate setting with another person and suddenly "that smell" hits your nostrils. You know you didn't rip one and you know they did, but they just sit there like they don't smell it while your eyes water and you force back gags. 

That awkward moment when... the overly clingy person with no boundaries or social clues but is also super sensitive finds you and clearly wants to share their life story with you so you fake an important phone call... again... for the 500th time to cut the conversation short. 

That awkward moment when... you are trapped on an elevator with a stranger and then they try to make small talk (why can't we just stand in silence?!) 

That awkward moment when... you see someone on the sidewalk walking toward you. You don't want to seem like a rude bitch but you also don't want to seem super creepy by smiling while they are 50 yards out so you each keep your head down just enough to not be creepy but just enough to see the appropriate time to smile... and then you miss it. 

That awkward moment when... someone unintentionally sneaks up on you and you give a high pitched squeal and random body jerks in response. Then you try to regain your composure and your dignity only to feel like a sissy with no street cred instead. 

That awkward moment when... you say something super witty and ultra funny and you are met with awkward glances and pitty laughs... 

Those are some things that have been on my mind lately. Mainly because I have experienced most of them lately. 

So what are your favorite awkward moments? Comment below and maybe I'll do a round 2 soon :-) 

P.S. Please don't make my round 2 begin with  

"That awkward moment when... you ask people to comment on your blog with their favorite awkward moments and then no one comments and you want to die."

kthnksbai