The Damage an Orange Seed Can Do

My son has the best memory of anyone I know. And he is a nosy little rosy. So he listens intently and then remembers... everything. For months. And it has caused us some grief here lately.

For instance. I've always been jealous of people with blue and green eyes. Why? My eyes are shit brown. All day everyday. Brown they be.
 
But those blue-eyed and green-eyed people are mesmerizing! And I've always wanted them (not enough to stick contacts in my eye b/c ew gross... but still).
 
Apparently I said that in or around his presence one time. Like months ago.
 
So while helping Susan on Tuesday wrangle kids for lunch, I overheard Sam tell Lily, "My eyes are brown because they are filled with POOP!"
 
Along these same lines, I believe his grandmother has told him he can't eat the watermelon seeds because they will grow a watermelon in his belly.
 
Now he has a complex.
 
He had some cutie oranges with his dinner and a few of them had seeds left in them. This caused him great anxiety and much grief because, "THOU SHALT NOT EAT THE SEEDS!!!!"
 
Ugh.
 
We got the seeds out of the ones we could and he ate a few more and then suddenly, he was done eating. He said his tummy hurt.
 
I know a ploy to eat candy when I see one and I said, "You can be done, but that means no candy."
He was fine with that.


Uh oh. He tends to never be okay with that. His tummy must hurt.

He then asks if he can lay in bed with me because his head and belly hurt. I asked if he thought we would throw up. He said, "I hope I down frowed up."

That's reassuring.

So I got a pot to throw up in just in case. I must have grabbed a rabid honey badger by the way he reacted.

He ran away from me! Screaming, "NO NO NO I DON"T WANT THE POT!!!!"

(I hope he still feels that way in high school)

Finally, I get him on the bed to lay down with me, so long as I understand his rules of "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

I kept telling Justin this was super weird and I was starting to worry about him. He kept heavy breathing randomly... still couldn't touch him... he didn't want to rock... he wasn't making any mother-puppy sense...

And then he dropped a knowledge nugget on me...

He said, "Don't touch my belly. It'll hurt cuz dat orange in dere."


I said, "Sam did you swallow an orange seed earlier?"

He said, "Yeah, and now I'm gonna frow it up or it will grown in my belly."

I said, "Let me touch your belly baby and feel for it."

Sam, "NO! NO! DEMON! DEMON!! NO MOMMY NO!!!"

Okay so he didn't call me a demon but he might as well have.

I said, "Well Sam, I have some seed killing medicine in the cabinet in there. Sometimes mommy uses it when she swallows seeds on accident. Daddy used it just yesterday."

Sam, "Dere's medicine for dat?"

I said, "Yup. You swallow the medicine and when it gets to the seed it makes it to where it can't grow at all and then you just poop it right out! Do you want some of that?"
Sam, "Yeah! I do!"

Ibuprofen folks. He had a headache anyway... what's a half dose of ibuprofen to put his mind at ease?

And it worked. He talked about it a few more times, convinced himself that it killed the seed but there was a bug in it and it was crawling in his throat. I distracted him from that by pointing out there was a seed in his poop that was going to go down the drain and he found that hilarious.

Kids are gross.

And my kid is apparently a literalist. So don't tell him things like this lest he remember them and use them against you in the future.