Unexpected Reaction to the Death of an Abuser

If you can't tell by the title, this post isn't for the faint of heart. It is not riddled with humor so I will take no offense if you don't read. In fact, I'll never know!

The Background:
I don't really hide my life and what has happened in it. However, for the sake of this post, for the protection of those it could hurt, and out of respect for all those who could be adversely affected by it, I will remain extremely vague. The fact of the matter is, the details don't matter all that much.

Before the age of fourteen, I (along with a few others) was involved in putting two grown men behind bars. On two different occasions, one unrelated to the other. And for the people who actually know what happened on both of those occasions, it sucked. Lots of things in my life during that 3-4 year time period sucked actually, those two men taking the spotlight but there were supporting actors to help along the way.

But my life didn't suck during that time either. Sure it would have been better without those people/experiences, but it was never lost on me that worse things have happened to others. And I still had a loving family, a roof over my head, and friends at school.

When we went through this (twice), it was hard. And I handled it differently than the other people involved. It is safe to say we all had a different experience with it and we all coped very differently. For instance, what the first guy did was way worse in my eyes than what the second guy did but one of the people that got to experience both with me feels exactly the opposite. It is all in how you look at it.

Once both events were behind us and we were able to move on, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still affected by it. I am today and I am knocking on the door of 30, some 16-19 years after this has all happened. It will always affect me.

I still cannot read stories of people being abused, especially sexually. I'm not the same for days.

I still have vivid bad dreams that are sometimes triggered by a simple Law and Order:SVU commercial, let alone if 20/20 comes on and is highlighting a serial rapist.

It still sometimes causes problems with Justin and I because I can't talk about anything related to this subject without crying and shutting down.

I'll never be over it is what I'm saying. And I don't know anyone who has gone through some type of abuse that does get over it, ever. You just learn to cope and adjust and deal when you are triggered. That's how it goes.

I feel like I had a pretty good system of dealing. It could be summed up in one word: Avoidance.

I don't talk about it if I don't have to and I avoid triggers. This works most of the time.

And before you tell me how unhealthy that is, please note, I have been to counseling before. It helped a little. But you  just never really get over it. I compare it to people coming back from a war with PTSD. If you are extreme PTSD, while you seek counseling and you try coping mechanisms, a big piece of it is avoiding loud bangs as much as possible, you know? I wouldn't come back and go drill on an oil rig. Things happen and you learn to cope, but you also remove triggers as best you can. This is my method.  (And I admire those that use this as a fuel to go out and speak about it daily and fight it every day. I just can't do it that way).

My job doesn't allow me to avoid at all costs because I work with students every day who make my story seem like a hangnail as compared to a finger being chopped off. And on those occasions I share as needed and are there for them when they have just been traumatized.

I also speak and train for sexual assault awareness and bystander training programs. I am a zombie the next day (or several days) but I get through it because it is for the greater good.

Why today?
I write this today because yesterday I was told that the second abuser passed away.

This person was someone's father. Someone's son. Someone's uncle. Someone's brother. And he died.

And here I was feeling relieved.

I realize my experiences with this would warrant me to feel relieved. But feeling relieved at the death of someone is not a character trait I'm proud of. And this has caused me some emotional stress to say the least. Other people are hurting at the loss of a loved one and here I am feeling relieved. That makes me feel like an ass!

The reason I'm having a hard time with this is not because I have some personal loss from his death. I think it is because I have carried guilt with me from such an early age. You see, he abused me first. I was his first victim. And because our experience with the first abuser was so bad and testifying in court was so horrific and because essentially nothing happened to what I term the scum of the earth (even though he was proven guilty), I remained silent. I removed myself from the situation and didn't tell. And then he took it to another level with someone I love more than myself and I've never let that go.

And then I moved away. So I didn't have to deal with accidentally running into him (or the first guy, which is more troublesome for me anyway). But she did. And I knew what it did to her. And I never really let it go that I could have stopped it from happening to her and I didn't. That was a very selfish choice and probably why I work so hard to prevent it from happening to other people through trainings and awareness. But I can never give her back what she lost. And that is a hard pill to swallow.

Moving forward: 

I write this post for two reasons:

1) To help  me  process my feelings over the last few days. I can't think about it and not cry. The sense of relief is overwhelming. Not really for me, but for her. She is free. She never has to face him again. She never has to hold it together in public when she sees him. She doesn't have to fear his presence. That relief has had me in tears off and on for two days now and will probably continue for a while until I can get this out of my system.

2) To further raise awareness. Unless you are a victim yourself, you don't know what others are dealing with. And to be completely honest, I never even imagined what it would be like when I found out one of them had passed on. It wasn't even on my radar. So when I got the news, it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I wasn't prepared.

And it has all resurfaced in a new light.

I ask that if you know someone who has been hurt from an abuser, give them the patience and love that they need to get through it. And that you understand they will never be over it.

I ask that if you have been, are currently being, or know someone who is being abused, please come forward, no matter the perceived repercussions. I promise, not reporting and letting it happen to someone else is much worse than facing the immediate embarrassment and judgment. I'm happy to help you through the process.

turner.rikki@gmail.com

Thanks :-)