A Night in the Life of the Turners

I wish I could say tonight was weird. But it was pretty much par for the course. 

On the way home tonight, Sam asked me when the thunder was going to start. I told him we'd have to go home and check the radar. So as soon as we got home, he ran to Justin and demanded to see the radar and then proceeded to ask 1000 questions about what it meant. 

Cool. 

Meanwhile, the dog is on crack. 

He already jumps as tall as I am. But he is running around like crazy, will not take no for an answer as far as licking and petting is concerned, and just being annoying. He was so beside himself he ran into the couch full speed. Like didn't even try to stop or jump. Just plowed right into it.

 I tried letting him outside... playing with him... dog was on crack. All the while I'm trying to have a conversation with Justin. 

Sam comes up and asks if he can give Skipper a treat. 

Sure. 

Then Sam came back and explained to us, quite thoroughly, the following: 

"Skipper was just hungry. So I gave him two treats. And now he will not bother you guys any more. Because  he was just hungry, mommy. And I went and got him a treat. I gave him 1, and 2. So he won't bother you any more." 

You know what?

Kid was right. The dog went and laid down and left us alone. Sumbeech. 

Onward ho to dinner!

Where the dog stole a corn on the cob. 

Pause. 

Justin and I have different opinions on how to deal with dogs. You could say I'm a little more country, he's a little more sissy (love you hon). 

So Justin is all about not touching them aggressively when they have food and don't disturb them in the kennel and blah blah blah, I'm all, "YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE! DROP THE COB!"

So my method won... or so I thought. 

So I'm down on my knees, straddling the dog, one hand on his collar, and the other one rammed down his throat trying to get this cob. 

It looked about as classy as this:

Five full minutes, ya'll. I was yanking, prying, pulling... the dog is coming up off of the ground.... I had corn and dog slobber dripping down my arm..

He won. It got widdled down to nothing and the little shit swallowed it. 

I do not enjoy losing to the dog. 

But right towards the end of our little tango in the floor, Sam runs up to help! 

Bottomless! Naked from the waist down. 

And I had to say for the one millionth time in our house,
"WE WEAR UNDERWEAR AT THE DINNER TABLE!" 

Why do I have to keep explaining this?!

So we threw the dog outside, got pants on the child... back to normal. 

Justin was nice enough to offer to go get me orange juice because I crave it when I'm sick and if you've had the pleasure of talking to me this week, I sound like I'm mid-way through the sex change process. 

It. Is. Sexy. 

So I accepted this offer. 

Justin was saying bye to Sam. 

So Sam asked, "Can you get me more raisins?" 
Me: You have raisins. 
Sam: Can you get me more cookies?
Me; You have cookies. 
Sam: Can you get me more chocolate?
Me; You can't have chocolate. 
Sam: Can you get me a shiny cup?
Me and Justin: You don't need a shiny cup. 

Justin gets up to leave. 

Sam: GET ME A TV FOR MY ROOM!!!!


Um. No.

I never know what to expect in this house. 

We went about our bedtime routine per usual: brush teeth, potty, dress, get in the bed... no wait I skipped a step. 

Tackle mommy like a line backer multiple times. 

He goes to the other end of the hallway, runs as fast as he can towards me, and tackles me. I then trap him with my arms and legs and make him answer a riddle to get out. 

Sam: I knock you over THREE TIMES!
Me: Ok go! 
Sam commences tackling (ya'll he is 40 lbs and about a foot tall... I. Am. Stupid. Brave.)
Me: (traps him) Ok, if you have one bicycle and I give you another bicycle, how many do you have?
Sam: TWO!!!!!!!!

next tackle

Me: If you have two apples and I give you another apple, how many do you have?
Sam: THREE!!!!!!!!!!!

next tackle

Instead of tackling he decides to drop kick me instead. I anticipate this is coming and there is a commotion in the floor, both of us are hurt, but laughing too much to care. 

I trap him. 

Me: Who do I love more than anyone in the whole entire world?!
Sam: SAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!!!!!

At least he knows how much I love him. Quirky little turd. 

EDIT: When we got to bed, the pull chain was off of the ceiling fan and there was a Swiffer in the bed. WTH?