200th Post! Conversations with Sam

I posted on Twitter (@rikkidale) a few minutes ago how my life is one big SNL skit. 

I stand by that comment. But my conversation with Sam over the last 30 minutes or so demonstrates this much better than I ever could. Except he is 3 years old, can't stay focused on one subject for any amount of time, and is both funny and extremely sweet at the same time. Again, he is a Sour Patch Kid. 

Preface: We have been talking all weekend about going swimming at Grandma and Papa's house on Monday. Today is the day. 

S: Momma, can we go swimming today? 

M: Yes baby. But you have to eat your breakfast first. 

S: (gets up and comes and gets in my face) You don't have to drink mime-a-rinas (limearitas) if you don't want to.

M: Honey, leave the drinking to me. Eat your breakfast. 

S: Can we take this swimming with us?! (Holds up the big pink) 

M: Good grief no. 

S: Can I take my socks off? 

M: Sure. 

S: (takes socks off) Mommy, where is Jesus? 

M: Well, sweetheart. He stays in heaven but he is also always with you. 

S: No. The Jesus in the picture. At church. 

M: That's the same Jesus. 

S: What does he drive? (meanwhile gets socks off) Hey! He made my boo boo better!

M: That's great Sam! 

S: Momma, I think my rubber go fasties (read: Nikes) made it better. 

M: Well that helped. But Jesus is our healer so he had a great lot to do with it. 

S: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME WHAT HE DRIVE!

M: Sorry honey. Jesus doesn't have to drive. He just shows up.

S: To kick the monsters!?!?!

M: He doesn't have to kick the monsters. If the monsters are bad, they flee when Jesus shows up.

S: He doesn't kick them? 

M: Nope. Doesn't have too. 

S: Does he punch them? Like dis? (Demonstrates... kung fu? Maybe? There was a "hi-ya!" involved)

M: (laughing) No baby. Not like that. You see, the monsters are dark and evil and Jesus is light and wonderful. When light shows up, darkness flees. So the monsters run away when Jesus shows up. 

S: Will my rubber go fasties make me swim faster too?!

M: No. But they'll make you sink faster. I'd just swim barefoot if I were you. No need to worry about it if you DON"T EAT YOUR DANG BREAKFAST!

S: Does Jesus get presents at Christmas?

(are you starting to see why I want to drink at 7 am?)

M: He did. Do you know Christmas is Jesus' birthday?

S: (with disbelief in his voice) We don't have cake on Christmas. 

M: I know. But it is still Jesus' birthday. He got three presents on his birthday. 

S: But he needs cake on his birthday. What does he eat on his birthday? 

M: Bread and wine. No cake. 

S: I bet that makes him sad. 

M: Sam. Eat your breakfast so I can go drink we can go swimming. 

S: What what... what.. what... what what... what... what. I'M GONNA POP SOME TAGS! 

Then he proceeds to get up and dance like this... 



Which oddly reminds me of this dance... (sorry it won't embed... and it is in another language...)

http://youtu.be/DiENvhp9ddY

Taking the 3yr old to a different church

This past weekend, Justin was invited to a church to celebrate senior Sunday. This was a big deal because this church does a HUGE celebration for their seniors. For Justin to be invited to this meant he was a pretty big deal in this student's eyes.

So we made the trek to the Baptist church in Sheridan, Arkansas (this should be a red alert for those of you who know us and our wily Methodist ways).

We came prepared to entertain Sam with cookies and coloring books. It worked... alright. He wanted to run. He wanted to go outside. He wanted to do basically anything that was different from standing still and being quiet.

They started the service and my son exclaims, "WE DON'T HAVE TVS IN OUR CHURCH MOMMY!"

TVs=Projection on the wall

He wanted to watch the tvs.

Fine by me. If it keeps him quiet.

It did for about 10 seconds.

Next thing I know, during a quiet pause in the program, my son starts singing "Thrift Shop."

Now this is the way he sings it... you tell me if you can figure out what he is saying...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEYflOV0t4U&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Oh my gosh.

I have no problem with my son knowing secular music and singing along with it. We have a lot of fun with that song. But suffice it to say, I was not surrounded by people that had my same philosophy. I couldn't get him shushed fast enough.

How Parenting and Working with College Students is Pretty Much the Same Thing

I have worked in Housing and Residence Life now for going on 10 years. That is a lot of working with college students. They never cease to amaze me with their brazen ability to shock and disgust. They are wonderful bunch but they sure can be creative in the scenarios they get themselves into. (I could write a book... and probably should!)

When I became a parent in 2010, I didn't realize at the time how much working with college students was going to help me as a parent. That first year of life pretty much consisted of feed it, change it, put it to bed, and shove a plug in its mouth if all else failed (plug = pacifier).

Then he started walking and talking and I realized I had my hands full. He too began to amaze me with his brazen ability to shock and disgust.

I found myself saying the same things to him that I have once said to a college student. Examples include:

"What on earth made you think that was a good idea?!"

"USE YOUR WORDS! Tell me what is the matter!"

"Get down from there! We do not jump off of the furniture!"

I began to use the skills/knowledge I have developed working with college students when dealing with Sam and his shenanigans. I hope you enjoy...

 

1. If they are not properly stimulated (going to class, having activity, etc) they both turn into little terrorists.

• To see this in action with college students, visit any campus on a snow day streak. Housing professionals CRINGE at snow days because it means more work for us! The students have no place to go and nothing to do but tear stuff up! We have had stools broken, chairs broken, and once there was a head rammed into a wall. 
• Have you ever taken a toddler to a restaurant and forgotten to bring something for them to do while you wait for your food? I bet you only did once. If they have nothing to stimulate them, they will find something. And it may be throwing a cheddar biscuit at an unsuspecting lady at the next table. 

2. If caught doing something bad, they will both lie until you have them trapped.

• I was called to a room because we had suspicions he had a cat in the room. I get to the room, introduce myself and ask if he has a cat. He says, "Nope." I said, "Okay well do you mind if I come in and take a look around?" He said, "Sure." I look around the apartment (that smells like cat pee) and as I round the corner to the bathroom I see a litter box in the floor. I said, "Is that your litter box?" He said, "Nope." I said, "Well we have a problem either way because either you or a cat is pooping in the litter box." 
• I came into the kitchen once and noticed a large puddle of water in the floor with little tracks of water leading out of it. Of course, I go to find where Sam is. I find him in his room, soaking wet. I said, "Sam, honey, did you spill some water?" He said, "No." I said, "Really? You are wet honey and there is a lot of water in the kitchen floor." He said, "Skipper pee pee'd."  

3. Bribery works with both groups.

• When we are planning an educational program and we aren't sure if students will attend, we provide free food. Students will show up every time and if you are really smart, you offer the food at the end of the program. Works like a charm. 
• When Sam is being particularly cantankerous and refuses to give Grandma a good bye hug, all it takes is me standing behind Grandma dangling a sucker over her head. Suddenly he is in the hugging mood and everyone is happy. 

4. If you leave a group of them unsupervised for any length of time, bad things will happen.

• The result is the same with both groups. If you leave them unsupervised, you'll come back into the room: one is bleeding, one is crying, and you have no idea what that is on your walls.

5.  Quid pro quo is real for both groups.

• Rarely does a student show up at my office with a fresh Dr. Pepper or an assortment of chocolate and not want something. They may not want it right then, but they do eventually. And they are not shy to bring it up at the most opportune time. 
• I came home after a particularly bad day at work and I needed some Sam time. I went up to him and said, "Sam, Momma sure could use a hug." And without missing a beat, he cocked his head sideways and said, "Momma, I sure could use a donut." 

It is quite handy having this knowledge when working with these groups. I had been to the point already where students couldn't surprise me. They can stump me for a minute, but they can't surprise me. And really Sam can't surprise me anymore either. He may catch me off guard, but I'm not really surprised.

And I've learned with both groups, even when you have no idea what you are doing or how to react, it best to act like you do and keep going with confidence, because both can smell fear and will use it against you. 

A Night in the Life of the Turners

I wish I could say tonight was weird. But it was pretty much par for the course. 

On the way home tonight, Sam asked me when the thunder was going to start. I told him we'd have to go home and check the radar. So as soon as we got home, he ran to Justin and demanded to see the radar and then proceeded to ask 1000 questions about what it meant. 

Cool. 

Meanwhile, the dog is on crack. 

He already jumps as tall as I am. But he is running around like crazy, will not take no for an answer as far as licking and petting is concerned, and just being annoying. He was so beside himself he ran into the couch full speed. Like didn't even try to stop or jump. Just plowed right into it.

 I tried letting him outside... playing with him... dog was on crack. All the while I'm trying to have a conversation with Justin. 

Sam comes up and asks if he can give Skipper a treat. 

Sure. 

Then Sam came back and explained to us, quite thoroughly, the following: 

"Skipper was just hungry. So I gave him two treats. And now he will not bother you guys any more. Because  he was just hungry, mommy. And I went and got him a treat. I gave him 1, and 2. So he won't bother you any more." 

You know what?

Kid was right. The dog went and laid down and left us alone. Sumbeech. 

Onward ho to dinner!

Where the dog stole a corn on the cob. 

Pause. 

Justin and I have different opinions on how to deal with dogs. You could say I'm a little more country, he's a little more sissy (love you hon). 

So Justin is all about not touching them aggressively when they have food and don't disturb them in the kennel and blah blah blah, I'm all, "YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE! DROP THE COB!"

So my method won... or so I thought. 

So I'm down on my knees, straddling the dog, one hand on his collar, and the other one rammed down his throat trying to get this cob. 

It looked about as classy as this:

Five full minutes, ya'll. I was yanking, prying, pulling... the dog is coming up off of the ground.... I had corn and dog slobber dripping down my arm..

He won. It got widdled down to nothing and the little shit swallowed it. 

I do not enjoy losing to the dog. 

But right towards the end of our little tango in the floor, Sam runs up to help! 

Bottomless! Naked from the waist down. 

And I had to say for the one millionth time in our house,
"WE WEAR UNDERWEAR AT THE DINNER TABLE!" 

Why do I have to keep explaining this?!

So we threw the dog outside, got pants on the child... back to normal. 

Justin was nice enough to offer to go get me orange juice because I crave it when I'm sick and if you've had the pleasure of talking to me this week, I sound like I'm mid-way through the sex change process. 

It. Is. Sexy. 

So I accepted this offer. 

Justin was saying bye to Sam. 

So Sam asked, "Can you get me more raisins?" 
Me: You have raisins. 
Sam: Can you get me more cookies?
Me; You have cookies. 
Sam: Can you get me more chocolate?
Me; You can't have chocolate. 
Sam: Can you get me a shiny cup?
Me and Justin: You don't need a shiny cup. 

Justin gets up to leave. 

Sam: GET ME A TV FOR MY ROOM!!!!


Um. No.

I never know what to expect in this house. 

We went about our bedtime routine per usual: brush teeth, potty, dress, get in the bed... no wait I skipped a step. 

Tackle mommy like a line backer multiple times. 

He goes to the other end of the hallway, runs as fast as he can towards me, and tackles me. I then trap him with my arms and legs and make him answer a riddle to get out. 

Sam: I knock you over THREE TIMES!
Me: Ok go! 
Sam commences tackling (ya'll he is 40 lbs and about a foot tall... I. Am. Stupid. Brave.)
Me: (traps him) Ok, if you have one bicycle and I give you another bicycle, how many do you have?
Sam: TWO!!!!!!!!

next tackle

Me: If you have two apples and I give you another apple, how many do you have?
Sam: THREE!!!!!!!!!!!

next tackle

Instead of tackling he decides to drop kick me instead. I anticipate this is coming and there is a commotion in the floor, both of us are hurt, but laughing too much to care. 

I trap him. 

Me: Who do I love more than anyone in the whole entire world?!
Sam: SAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!!!!!

At least he knows how much I love him. Quirky little turd. 

EDIT: When we got to bed, the pull chain was off of the ceiling fan and there was a Swiffer in the bed. WTH?