Tonight Didn't Go as Planned

I say tonight didn't go as planned as if I had any plans. My plans consisted of picking up Sam, going home, cooking dinner, taking a shower, and putting Sam to bed. Pretty reg-sauce.

And we did all of those things.

It's the chapters in between those things that were... well... odd...

For one, I cleaned up A LOT more urine than I had originally planned. (Notice, there was no "clean up lots of urine" listed in my original plans between cooking dinner and taking a shower)

As Justin and I were attempting to clean up the kitchen, Sam announced he needed to go "pee pee". The light was already on in the bathroom so we just sent him by himself.

He then came in and said, "Mommy, I got pee pee on my panties." (I messed up and called his undies "panties" once a few times. It stuck. I realize the error of my ways.)

I said, "That's okay baby. Just take them off."

He says, "Okay mommy. I'm sorry." And then retreats back to the bathroom.

He emerges again and he says, "Mommy. There is pee pee everywhere."

That's my queue. Justin was EAGER to do dishes once this little announcement was made.

I got into the bathroom and realized pee pee was, in fact, everywhere.

He had peed on his pants, shirt, shoes, socks, top of the toilet, toilet seat, down the toilet, and all in the floor. I'd say it wasn't on the ceiling but truth of the matter is I didn't investigate hard enough to confirm or deny.

I went back in the kitchen to tell Justin we'd be a while. A shower was required.

That was the first surprise of the night.

After the shower, Sam and I were talking in the living room when he found a book about Christmas. He then proceeded to tell me all about how Santa comes down the chimney. Pretty regular kid stuff.

But then he took a left turn and started asking me why he comes down the chimney, why not the door?

Folks, that's hard to answer. It isn't hard to answer because the reasons you are thinking. Most kids could be placated rather easily. My child though, would quickly realize that if Santa came down the chimney, so could any bum off the street. He would also question Santa's ability to carry around a key to EVERY HOUSE.

Luckily, we didn't linger here long because Sam announced that if Santa wouldn't use the front door, he was just going to set a fire in the fireplace.

That'll teach Santa not to listen to advice!

The story evolved into Sam was going to set Santa's booty on fire and make him poop.

This made Sam need to poop. For real.

I get him in the bathroom and he does his binniz. When it was time to wipe, he said, "I wipe by  myself mommy."

I said, "No. You can't even reach your booty that well. Momma do it."

He said, "Yeah I can! See!" and proceeds to reach in front of his man area to try and touch his booty.

Ew.

It is here where I made a mistake.

What I should have said was, "Sam that is shoeey! We wipe from the back, okay?"

What I actually said was, "If you wipe like that your giblets will smell like poo poo!"

In Sam's eyes, I've never said anything funnier.

Mommy. Fail.

(Sorry Susan! And any other parents who hear about poopy giblets in the near future!)

After we got cleaned up, it was time to get ready for bed. We went through our bedtime routine.

When it came time to pray, I said, "Sam what do you want to pray for?"

Normally he comes up with a range of different things: his favorite food, candy, his friends, his family, toys, whatever he likes at the time.

Tonight?

"I wanna pray for.... booty!"

(He's such a dude.)

I laughed and agreed.

We pray like this: I say a line and he repeats it. All the way to "amen."

Tonight it went like this:

Me: Dear Jesus...
Sam: Dear Jesus...
Me: Thank you for booty...
Sam: Thank you for BOOOOTTYYYYY....
Me: Thank you for little booties...
Sam: Thank you for BIG BOOTIES!!!!
(laughter)
Me: Thank you for big booties...
Sam: Thank you for little booties...
(giggles)
Me: Thank you for Santa's booty...
(pause)
Sam: Thank you for BIG BOOTIES!
Me (with defeat in my voice): Amen.
Sam: Amen.... (whisper) Booty. 

So tonight I planned on a normal night at home, eating dinner, taking a shower, watching tv, and bedtime routine with Sam.

Tonight, I got a bucket full of urine scattered around my bathroom, poopy giblets, Santa's first death threat from my household, and a glimpse into puberty.

This mommy stuff is legit.