The importance of saying "please"

Last night, we went out to east with my sister's family. There were 7 of us at the table.

Our waitress was mediocre. She was on the ball for a few minutes and then would be MIA for several minutes. I had overheard the hostess when we came in say how understaffed they were so we didn't mind waiting a little longer than usual to get drink refills.

She came around to get more drink refills and Sam wanted more lemonade. As she was filling Gunner's lemonade, I was helping Sam get his lid off. She asked him, "do you want more lemonade."

Sam nodded his head.

Justin said, "then say please."

Sam shook his head.

Pause

I know most people would sail right passed this and fill the lemonade and be done.

Not us. Please and thank you are very important. My son will grow up being respectful. Not saying please and thank you to the wait staff is not something I'm prepared to tolerate.

Unpause.

Justin got a stern voice with him and said, "Sam say please."

He turned his head into me and shook his head again. I looked up at the waitress and said, "I'm sorry. He doesn't need any lemonade, thank you."

She said okay and walked away.

Sam has a small mental breakdown about not getting anything to drink and I whisked him away to the bathroom for a little "come to Jesus" moment.

We came out with an understanding that he needed to tell her sorry for being rude.

She came back to the table. He couldn't do it. He could not make himself apologize.

She told him it was okay. I said, "it's not okay. Sam tell her you're sorry."

He hid his head in my shoulder.

Off we went to have another talk.

We got away from anyone and I swatted his little booty and put him in time out.

Pause.

The mere mention of a spanking is normally enough to right his path. A spanking needn't be painful for him. He crumbles at the first love pat.

Me giving him a few swats at a restaurant should have sent him into a tailspin.

Unpause.

He just looked at me angrily. His lip was quivering but he was determined he wasn't going to cry.

Stubborn.

Once we sat there for a little while, I finally asked him, "what should you have done?"

He said, "say sorry."

I asked him if he wanted one more chance. He did.

This time we went to find her.

He tried to be shy and not say it again. He finally mumbled "I'm sorry" to me. I said, "well honey you didn't do anything to me. Apologize to her."

And he did. She thanked him and all was well.

What I found out later was while Sam and I were gone, she had come to the table and told Justin, "society thanks you."

Now that was very sweet of her to say, but why did she have to say that?

I'll tell you why, because it rarely happens anymore. Children being rude is tolerated and shushed, not corrected.

I've been a waitress before. It sucks. People treat you poorly. You work your ass off for not enough pay. You take a lot of crap from a lot of people. My child is not going to be one of those people.

And some parents say, "oh well they are so young. They don't understand what they are doing."

You're right. Sam is 3. Of course he doesn't know what he is doing. What effect being rude to others has on them? On him?

But how in hell do you think he is going to learn what he is doing? Are we just wishful thinking that they will pick it up eventually? Are we expecting the tooth fairy to instill this knowledge in our children?

I don't know the reasons a lot of parents choose not to discipline their children. My guess is there are a myriad of possibilities.

-don't want to create a ruckus in public
-excuse the behavior because they are a child
-don't want to embarrass the child
-feel powerless or overwhelmed by the thought of being in charge of a human life

I don't know all of the reasons. I just know that when Sam is turned loose into the world, I don't want him to be a raging asshole.

I want him to value other people.

I want him to be thankful and courteous.

I want him to be as nice to the custodian as he is to the CEO.

If I don't show him how to, who will?

This post isn't about what we did right. Had our waitress not made the comment about society thanking us, this post wouldn't exist. It wouldn't have occurred to me to write it.

But she felt the need to comment on what I viewed as basic parenting.

So to Stephanie, our waitress:

Society thanks you. Thank you for serving others in an under appreciated role. Thank you for making our meal time a pleasant one. And thank you for playing an active role in teaching my son the value of "please, thank you, and I'm sorry."

And yes, she got a fat tip. She earned it.