WTF Wednesday: What's that on my butt?

It's been a while and I woke up this morning and thought, "I should blog today." 

Then, I immediately felt something on my butt. And I thought, "Hey there thing on my butt. What are you?"

It was quite early. I wasn't alarmed for my health or anything. But I was certainly curious what was on my butt. 

(my husband is looking over my shoulder right now thinking, "WTF was on her butt?!" Don't worry, he'll find out along with you all.)

Anyway, back to my butt. 

There was something on it. 

I reached around and touched it... (it wasn't my butthole or anything... don't get carried away... it was on the broad side of my right cheekers where all good things in life are). 

It was a mother puppy M&M. 

You would think this is the part where it would end and say, "that was my WTF moment."

It wasn't. My thought process after discovering the ass candy was WTF worthy. 

Thought 1:

Those little candy shells aren't playing. 

Seriously. They are magical. I don't have a slight ass. I don't typically move a lot in my sleep. There was no chocolate melted on my ass nor the sheets. They should make planes out of that shit! 

Melts in your mouth, not in your hand? 

Also, not on your butt! 

Thought 2: 

DAMN IT! I WANTED TO EAT THAT. 

I realize it would have ended up on my ass anyway, but I would have liked to have tasted it first, you know?!

Thought 3: 

Seriously... WTF is that candy shell made of?! I ingest that quite often. Is it digestible? 

What should have been thought 4 (but didn't occur to me right now):

How did the damn M&M get on my ass in the first place!? 

1) I aim for my mouth every time. Not my ass. 

2) I am the cheapest person on the planet. Wasting even one M&M pisses me off. 

3) I have a deep love and admiration for peanut butter M&Ms... I keep an eye on them. 

How in the hell did that happen? 

And how in the hell did I not notice ALL NIGHT?! 

Folks is tired round these parts. Real. Damn. Tired. 

Have you ever found an M&M on your butt?

Sam's Guardian Angel

There is so much to be done but I wanted to let everyone know why I've been so absent lately. 

Sam's grandma got her wings this morning. I'll prepare a post later on about the process and the comfort of allowing someone to let go. 

If you are looking for something to do, please become a bone marrow donor. It is free, easy, and painless. Please be someone's hero. I wish I could I thank whoever donated to her to give us some extra time with her. 

http://www.deletebloodcancer.org/en



http://bethematch.org/Support-the-Cause/Donate-bone-marrow/Join-the-marrow-registry/



If you want to know more about Pat and her journey, visit a blog I wrote when this all began: //www.mommasgotadudesname.com/2014/01/help-save-sams-grandma-become-bone.html

You can visit most of the posts from January 2014 as well. We had a fun time giving them hell in St. Louis. 

WTF Wednesday: Doctoral Degree

I started my doctoral program this week. As dorky as I am, it is very exciting. I find some of the readings will be fascinating and writing 20+ page papers doesn't really freak me out much. 

But did you notice I said "some" readings? 

Reading for educational purposes makes my eyes close. For real. 

I can't do it for long periods of time. Heck, I'm not fantastic at it for 10 minutes at a time without having 14 "SQUIRREL!!!" breaks. 

When I was getting my master's degree, I figured out that if I walked while I read, my chances at falling asleep were minimal (though I did test the boundaries of this probability many times). 

I would either go walk the track and read, walk on the treadmill and read, or just walk around the apartment. And it worked! 

Which is why I now have a treadmill at home. You remember the story.

After my first class on Monday night, it sunk in just how much walking I'm about to do. And as the cheapest person on the planet, I haven't bought a pair of tennis shoes in a very, very long time. 

Want proof? 

I wore these to the kickball tournament the other night because I couldn't find the "new" tennis shoes my sister had given me when she was tired of them. 

Yup. Those are Asics. From high school. 

I bet your shoes can't change colors. That's all I'm saying. 

So after class on Monday I realized I needed 1) a book bag and 2) tennis shoes. 

For once in my life, I sprung for brand new shoes because I wanted to see just exactly how much damage I could do to them using them exclusively for reading class material/dissertation material. 

So here is the before shot!  

In about 5 years or so, check back and I'll do the after shot in my gown! Don't think I'm playing! 

WTF Wednesday: My Husband and My Fat Ass

Have you ever said something you regretted? 

You know, you said it, and then it was like, "Well shit. Its out there now. No take-backsies." 

And now that it is out there, you desperately want to make it better, so you immediately make it worse by CONTINUING TO TALK.... 

This has never happened to me but MAN did it happen to my husband the other day! 

I work on a college campus... with kids who live on campus... 

Translation: August is the hell you love to hate and hate to love. It is a beautiful, awful little beast. I both live for it and loathe it. 

On top of that, we've had a lot of changes and stress and just stuffs going on so the stress was REAL last week. Big ole nasty understatement. 

My husband was home for the 2.5 seconds he has been over the summer and was headed to the store. I was going on about my day and the stresses and woes that came with it... and then I said, "Unrelated... I need you to get me some Diet Dr. Pepper and the biggest bag of peanut butter M&Ms you can find."

His dumbass says, "Ohhhh... Rikki... if I get you those, you'll get chubby."

Oh no he didn't. 

Oh yes, Ryan Gosling, he did. 

I said, "Excuse me?! I've eaten them all summer and I haven't gotten chubby yet."

He says (direct quote here), "Are you sure?"

AM I SURE?!?!?! 

AM I SURE?!?!?!?!

I said, "What the hell is that supposed to mean? Am I sure? Are you sure who you are talking to right now? Are you sure you want to live another day to spend with your fat ass wife? Am I sure?"

Just when you think it can't get any worse... he says, "You haven't even gained one pound? Really?"

He must have caught the dumb in St. Louis. I wanted to donkey kick him right in the taint. Too bad I was on the phone with him at the time or I just might have.

Here is a list of things I said to him for the rest of the mother puppy night...  because bless his heart, he had it coming... 

• Well one thing is for sure, you won't be getting any of this fat ass tonight.
  
• (as I was walking away from him) Look away. I don't want my jiggly ass to spoil your appetite.
  
• I had plans on being on top tonight, but I don't want to crush you.
  
• Am I allowed to have cheese dip tonight? I promise to only have a serving size so I don't add to the peanut butter donk I have.
  
• Nevermind, no cheese dip for me. I'll just eat grass from the backyard. 

And so much more. To the point he was getting pretty annoyed. To which I replied, "Well at least you aren't too fat. Do me a favor and grease my saddle bags so I can get into the shower." 

I always have all the sympathy. 

In his defense, he was worried about my cholesterol and overall health. And he repeatedly backtracked and apologized. But at this point, it was fun for me. 

If you are a guy reading this, here is the appropriate answer to your wife/girlfriend/anyone with a vagina requesting chocolate... 

"Of course, honey! But, what if they don't have a five gallon tub? You know what, never mind, I'll get all they have on the shelves and help you eat it. Would you like to watch the Notebook tonight?"

I don't like the Notebook even a little bit, but play the odds folks. 

Never... and I do mean NEVER... insinuate that she may get fat or she isn't aware of how fat she has gotten. If she is anything like me, she will NEVER let you live it down. 

Huh, Justin? 

I mean... WTF?

Summers are not for Blogging Apparently

You guys... the struggle(s) are real right now. 

I have been MIA this summer. And yeah, I'm sorry for it. But not sorry enough to do a whole lot about it. 

Why? 

Because right now the only thing going for me this summer is that fact that my tan is doing pretty well and I finally got registered for Fall classes. 

That is me exhaling after a long day at work. Not duck-face. They are unfortunately similar.

That's it. 

There are at least 5 loads of laundry unfolded on my coach that, honestly, I have no immediate plans of folding or putting away. 

 

My dog has taken up shitting and pissing everywhere as his new hobby. I'm guessing because Justin has been gone all summer and that displeases him a bit. 

I have cooked a real meal all summer about 5 times. Other than that...sandwiches, hot dogs, or how does cereal sound? 

My son has developed a new talent of memorizing all the lyrics to every song on the radio and busting them out at the most inopportune times. 

Can you imagine walking around in Walmart on a Sunday afternoon around 12:30 pm and you hear a 4-year old loudly sing, "YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT BIG FAT BUTT.... wigglewigglewiggle."  

Let's nevermind that there is a lady with rather large hind parts in front of us. 

The Baptists give you a mean side-eye and then avoid you like the plague. 

If you are wondering he can sing all of "I'm So Fancy," as well, including the rap portions. 

He also picks up on all the inappropriate things I say. For instance, we were playing Catchphrase with a few of my staff members. Someone said the clue, "Hairy" and I came back with, "BUTTHOLE!"

So.... Sam started yelling and laughing, "Hairy butthole!!!" Of course those little weirdos encouraged it. 

And have you ever seen Hee-Haw? My son now sings this little gem... 



That's all for now. If you have something in particular you would like me to blog on, leave it in the comments and I'll do my best. I do miss you all and I promise to get my life in order sometime soon :-)