What my son's manic-depressive fever virus has taught me:

Sam caught a bug. A nasty little bug that has rendered him Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and I have no idea which is coming when.

Since Saturday he has had a nasty cough (I had a terrible dream early Saturday morning that a seal was barking beside my bed... then I was nudged awake by the seal and it turns out it was my son... I may never get used to this new phenomenon of him coming downstairs to wake me up instead of yelling for me). This nasty cough is interrupted by intermittent episodes of crazy and puny.

So what has all this taught me? A few things actually. And nothing. Mostly nothing.

(It is important to note that I am so sleep deprived I was in bed at 8:15 pm. Then the hellfire heartburn hit and I flustered awake... in the middle of the night! Or... at 9:53 pm. Le sickness has effed up my internal clock, yo!)

1. There is such a thing as a fever virus. 

I have heard this one before but never experienced it for myself. Literally nothing you can do for it but medicate it. Alternate ibuprofen with Tylenol. And also let it runs its course. So only medicate it over 100 degrees. Unless you are me and you watch it carefully as it approaches 100 then you neglect to check it for an hour and it becomes 102.2. That'll kick you in the good mommy nutsack.

2. People who think honey cures coughs are crazy. 

I've had one million and fifty five people tell me that honey is the best thing for a cough. I beg to differ. My guess is Valium would work nicely. Honey? makes my child gag and resume coughing in 5.4 seconds. Roughly. (I've tried this repeatedly to get the same results. Repeatedly)

3. Vicks on the feet with socks is about as reliable as honey on the feet with socks. 

Except I've never tried honey on the feet with socks. Maybe that would work.

One million and fifty six people have recommended this one to me. There are people in the world that will lay down their life on this one that is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And it has worked in the past for Sam. This go round?

Well our bedroom smelled minty and Sam's feet were hot. That's about it. Of course I didn't notice all that over ALL. THE. COUGHING.

4. Grandparents believe that when a child is sick, the best thing for them is sugar. 

Like that shit would have ever been allowed when we were kids.

I can see it now, "Hey mom. I don't feel good. I have a 106 temperature and I see dead people."

Mom, "Let me go get you a snow cone! And donuts! And gummy bears!"

Heck no. But Sam's grandma found out he was sick, so she brought home one of those brown paper sacks filled with: gummies, jello, Pringles, and "fruit" juice that is 10% fruit juice.

And I'd get all huffy about it...but why bother? The kid doesn't feel good and his daddy's response was to go buy a movie theater portioned box of Bottle Caps to share with him. SMH Perhaps he comes by it honest?

5. Benadryl's box lies. LIES. 

Benadryl can cause drowsiness for 4-6 hours. Horseshit. 1.5 - 2 hours max. Then you are left with a very confused, coughing, 'sleepy but not sleepy enough to effing sleep' child that you can't medicate for 2 more hours.

Let's see, Sam, it is 3 am and you are begging to watch "Woody Pecker" (Woody Woodpecker) and your mom is so sleep deprived she is giggling about a 3 year old saying pecker. This is how a fun day starts.

6. Steam does stave off a cough. 

This is not to be confused with a humidifier staving off a cough. I have yet to experience evidence that this works.

Sooo... that leaves me with steam from a shower. Now I just need an unending supply of hot water and second mortgage to pay my water/gas bill.

And also, steam is not so helpful with a fever. So you have to time this perfectly when the fever has gone down.

Now some might say, "If steam works, then use the humidifier."

Yeah, I have no direct experience that the humidifier helps. Maybe if I dipped his feet in honey and put socks on him it might do the trick....

7. I cannot function properly when my child does not feel well. I can't. Here is a list of things I've done the last few days the illustrates this fact. 

• In the middle of making Justin's lunch, I poured myself a glass of milk. I put the milk in the breadbox and the bread in the fridge. It was one hour later I noticed that something wasn't right. 
• Today, the timer on my coffee pot alerted me that my window of "freshness" was over. This never happens to me (but could explain the bread/milk mix up). My "fresh" window is two hours. TWO HOURS I let the coffee sit there and I didn't partake. Big deal, folks. Big deal. 
• I let him watch cartoons that make me want to jab sharp metal underneath my toenails. This is perhaps the biggest deal. He has watched Backyardigans, Martha Speaks, Arthur, VEGGIE TALES, and my personal favorite since I swore it was banned from my house: My Little Pony. 

So there you have it. A list of crap I've learned since Sam got the crazy virus. The virus that renders him useless for an hour and then 15 minutes later has him tackling his daddy on the bed. 

And now I'm going to give sleep another good old fashioned try. My guess is that won't work out for me well since I gave Sam Benadryl approximately 1.5 hours ago. Ugh.