What my son's manic-depressive fever virus has taught me:

Sam caught a bug. A nasty little bug that has rendered him Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and I have no idea which is coming when.

Since Saturday he has had a nasty cough (I had a terrible dream early Saturday morning that a seal was barking beside my bed... then I was nudged awake by the seal and it turns out it was my son... I may never get used to this new phenomenon of him coming downstairs to wake me up instead of yelling for me). This nasty cough is interrupted by intermittent episodes of crazy and puny.

So what has all this taught me? A few things actually. And nothing. Mostly nothing.

(It is important to note that I am so sleep deprived I was in bed at 8:15 pm. Then the hellfire heartburn hit and I flustered awake... in the middle of the night! Or... at 9:53 pm. Le sickness has effed up my internal clock, yo!)

1. There is such a thing as a fever virus. 

I have heard this one before but never experienced it for myself. Literally nothing you can do for it but medicate it. Alternate ibuprofen with Tylenol. And also let it runs its course. So only medicate it over 100 degrees. Unless you are me and you watch it carefully as it approaches 100 then you neglect to check it for an hour and it becomes 102.2. That'll kick you in the good mommy nutsack.

2. People who think honey cures coughs are crazy. 

I've had one million and fifty five people tell me that honey is the best thing for a cough. I beg to differ. My guess is Valium would work nicely. Honey? makes my child gag and resume coughing in 5.4 seconds. Roughly. (I've tried this repeatedly to get the same results. Repeatedly)

3. Vicks on the feet with socks is about as reliable as honey on the feet with socks. 

Except I've never tried honey on the feet with socks. Maybe that would work.

One million and fifty six people have recommended this one to me. There are people in the world that will lay down their life on this one that is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And it has worked in the past for Sam. This go round?

Well our bedroom smelled minty and Sam's feet were hot. That's about it. Of course I didn't notice all that over ALL. THE. COUGHING.

4. Grandparents believe that when a child is sick, the best thing for them is sugar. 

Like that shit would have ever been allowed when we were kids.

I can see it now, "Hey mom. I don't feel good. I have a 106 temperature and I see dead people."

Mom, "Let me go get you a snow cone! And donuts! And gummy bears!"

Heck no. But Sam's grandma found out he was sick, so she brought home one of those brown paper sacks filled with: gummies, jello, Pringles, and "fruit" juice that is 10% fruit juice.

And I'd get all huffy about it...but why bother? The kid doesn't feel good and his daddy's response was to go buy a movie theater portioned box of Bottle Caps to share with him. SMH Perhaps he comes by it honest?

5. Benadryl's box lies. LIES. 

Benadryl can cause drowsiness for 4-6 hours. Horseshit. 1.5 - 2 hours max. Then you are left with a very confused, coughing, 'sleepy but not sleepy enough to effing sleep' child that you can't medicate for 2 more hours.

Let's see, Sam, it is 3 am and you are begging to watch "Woody Pecker" (Woody Woodpecker) and your mom is so sleep deprived she is giggling about a 3 year old saying pecker. This is how a fun day starts.

6. Steam does stave off a cough. 

This is not to be confused with a humidifier staving off a cough. I have yet to experience evidence that this works.

Sooo... that leaves me with steam from a shower. Now I just need an unending supply of hot water and second mortgage to pay my water/gas bill.

And also, steam is not so helpful with a fever. So you have to time this perfectly when the fever has gone down.

Now some might say, "If steam works, then use the humidifier."

Yeah, I have no direct experience that the humidifier helps. Maybe if I dipped his feet in honey and put socks on him it might do the trick....

7. I cannot function properly when my child does not feel well. I can't. Here is a list of things I've done the last few days the illustrates this fact. 

• In the middle of making Justin's lunch, I poured myself a glass of milk. I put the milk in the breadbox and the bread in the fridge. It was one hour later I noticed that something wasn't right. 
• Today, the timer on my coffee pot alerted me that my window of "freshness" was over. This never happens to me (but could explain the bread/milk mix up). My "fresh" window is two hours. TWO HOURS I let the coffee sit there and I didn't partake. Big deal, folks. Big deal. 
• I let him watch cartoons that make me want to jab sharp metal underneath my toenails. This is perhaps the biggest deal. He has watched Backyardigans, Martha Speaks, Arthur, VEGGIE TALES, and my personal favorite since I swore it was banned from my house: My Little Pony. 

So there you have it. A list of crap I've learned since Sam got the crazy virus. The virus that renders him useless for an hour and then 15 minutes later has him tackling his daddy on the bed. 

And now I'm going to give sleep another good old fashioned try. My guess is that won't work out for me well since I gave Sam Benadryl approximately 1.5 hours ago. Ugh. 

My son: Creepy stalker mode

Okay, so I have been very lucky up until this point with my 3 year old. He stayed in the crib for, I don't know, a billion years until that fateful day when he hiked his stubby little legs over the side and hoisted his big-headed body right on over the edge.

And when we converted the crib to the toddler bed, I'm not going to lie, I was afraid. I was afraid that he would never stay in the bed. That he would have massive holy hell fits if left in the bed when he found it undesirable to do so. That he would be in my bed every night because he figured out his stubby little legs worked during the nighttime too.

But did he? No.

He didn't.

Night after night went by and he would wake up, yell at me like a drill sergeant, "MOMMMAAAA! MOMMMMMAAAA! MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Sometimes the drill sergeant yelling for me would startle me a bit, since it comes out of no where, but all in all, I was pretty lucky. Because he continued to stay in the bed until I arrived on the scene. This was bliss.

And then last night happened.

It is important to note that I am BEYOND STUPID when woken up and I'm not expecting it. Just ask the many RAs who have had the unfortunate experience of calling me in the middle of the night, tell me of this huge emergency situation and I tell them, "Oh that's nice." and hang up. (Important also to note that I do tend to come to my senses and call right back... or at least they know to give it another try and I'll politely tell Luke Bryan I can no longer shake it for him b/c there is work to be done... whatever).

So... last night...

Something felt eery. There was a creeper in my dream. The creeper kept whispering, "mommy. mommy. mommeeee."

Then it touched me.

And my eyes slam open and I'm face to face with it. My son.

Now, I am almost positive I left him upstairs... snug as a bug in a rug...

So I'm confused. A lotta lotta confused.

He says, "Mommy. Its time to get up."

So I think, "Oh shoot! I've over slept! It must be 7 am."

I look at the clock. It is 12:13 am.

WTF?

So I say, "Sam! What in hell are you doing up? How did you? What did you? Are you okay? Why are you up?"

He says, "But momma. Da sun is waking up."

I look outside. It is dark.

I say, "What are you doing? No it isn't. Why are you awake. Go back to bed. Wait. How did you? What? Is this real?"

He says, "It is time to get up mommy."

I pick him up and say, "No it isn't. You're going back to bed."

Husband, "Errrr.... ummm.... shhhhhhh!"
 (He is such a help)

I get him back upstairs. He immediately flips out like his bed is made of lava and their are evil clowns in closet. Shit.

"Sam what is the matter?"

Sam: "The monsters will eat me."

Me: "They won't either. I killed them all. Using only my mind. I'm awesome. Go to sleep."

Sam: flailing around and screaming, "BUT IT'S DARK UP HEWE! PWEASE LET ME SWEEP WIF YOU!"

Me: "No. Go to sleep. I'll kill any monster that tries to get you. You have a night light. I'd worry about waking me up again more than the monsters."

So I finally detach him from my neck and he at least stays quiet. Who knows what actually went on up there. I tried to go back to sleep.

But I have found, when startled awake by something that used to not roam the house at night, it is a wee bit difficult to go back to sleep.

So I tossed and turned. My alarm went off. I silenced it. I was about to drift back off into sleep and I hear, "MOMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Shit. Again. It is 5 am.

So I hoist my sleep deprived butt up and stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell, "SAM! GO BACK TO SLEEP! NOW!"

Silence. Ah blessed silence.

At this point I just went on and got showered and ready. As I'm curling my hair, I hear:

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

Shit. Was that my son tumbling down the stairs? Or did he just revert back to his old method of stairs travel?



I paused and listened some more. Then the knob on my bathroom door started turning.

"Mommy. Can I get up now?"

Yes son. You can. Do mommy a favor though and go start the coffee pot.

It is going to be a long few weeks training him to knock this crap off... 

Why the Terrible Three's Are Terribly Awesome

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-hI38vT_u8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Christmas Break in Pics

Sam and Justin in their ridiculous Jamaican monkey hats. 

Sam opening his Cogsley robot. He was so excited to get a robot. 

I'm reading him is Bigsby and Sam story. The monster responds to the story. H e didn't seem to like it much at first, but then while making breakfast, Sam got it and the book and sat in the chair and tried to read it. Super cute. 

One of us is adorable and the other one of us really needs to tone his or her arms. You decide. 

Sam opening gifts at his aunt Donna's house. 

I think Sam just opened a movie here. But in the floor is a big rig that carries matchbox cars and a Transformer. Which he knew right off the bat was a Transformer and not a robot. Don't mix them up because he will correct you. 

No idea what he is opening here. But his grandma seems excited about it. 

Probably my favorite picture from the break. He was eating Oreos and was super excited I agreed to get him another one. 

Skipper got a bone for Christmas that is longer than he is. And he hides under the Christmas tree to eat it. He was growling at me here. 

We got some bookshelves for Christmas for our many boxes of books that were still unpacked from moving here a year and a half ago. Sam got a blanket and laid down on them and said, "I need to take a rest."

This is Sam opening his stocking. He is looking at a punch light that shines stars on the ceiling. 

New Year's Resolutions

I have a hard time with resolutions. The skeptical side of me wonders why we need this particular day to make positive changes in our lives. If we need to change, then we should just change. No need in waiting for January 1.

Then January 1 rolls around and we are still fat, lazy and/or stupid. So maybe setting some goals up at the beginning of the year isn't so bad.

I have a few goals. So here are some of my goals for 2013.

1) Don't gain any weight. If I lost a little bit more, I wouldn't be sad, but I like not being in the 140s anymore and I'd like to keep it that way.

2) Register for Warrior Dash, finish Warrior Dash, and cross the finish line with some friends (that's you... tell me if you want to play!) Warrior Dash 2013

3) Continue to dress nicer at work. This is something I've really worked on the past semester but I want to continue it. When I dress more professionally, I feel like a more competent professional and I can't help but notice I've gotten a lot more responsibility since doing so. And I have gotten some CUTE clothes over the break so I'm pretty excited about it.

4) I am committing to cleaning my house for 10 minutes a day. This one I hate but for the past week I have managed to keep the house I clean and that is the longest I've ever gone. Once I got it clean, I noticed keeping it clean wasn't that big of a deal. Basically the rule is "Put the shit up." Now my garbage service not coming for two weeks has made it interesting but hopefully they rid me of the last few weeks of trash and I can begin to take the garbage out again. I'm not pissy about it though.

5) I want to read one book a month for recreation. This one is astonishing to me because I actually like reading. But I don't like reading about pain in the world. I'm aware of pain in the world. I'm not going to indulge in it for fun. And it seems like many of the good books that are out are about pain and suffering. If I want to know more about that, I'll watch the news. So anyway, if you  know of any funny books or just good reads that don't involve rape and abuse, send them my way. I need at least 12.

6) It is my goal to never walk to work from home. I'm pretty sure I can achieve this goal.

7) I'm going to limit myself to only checking Facebook/Twitter twice daily while at work. Believe it or not, Facebook/Twitter actually does help me in my job, but it is a large distraction as well so that is why I'm limiting it to a few times a day (this means logging off in the mean time... ugh).

8) Teach Sam the alphabet. Not only saying it (which he pretty much already does as long as he is certain you aren't listening) but I want him to recognize the letters as well.

9) Stick to at least one legit date night a month with Justin and at least one night a week where we spend uninterrupted time together (watch a movie, play a game, not just sit in each other's presence while the TV drones on about something Ted and Robin are up to). Justin help me with this one.

10) Wear shoes to work every day.

There you have it! Tune in next December to see how I did!

The Terrible 2's were CAKE!

Ok seriously, do we say it is the terrible two's just because it rhymes? Are we that stupid? 

Because I'm here to tell you, my son has 3 days until he turns 3 and I'm not positive he will make it to see the day. 

Now I say all of this to say, even when he is acting like a dumbstruck moron with a death wish, it is still hilarious and it takes a lot of self control on my part not to laugh and say, "Well I had that coming."

But, just over the last week and a half where we have been on break, we have not gone to go get ice cream 3 times because he couldn't act right. There have been a few mornings where he lived in time out. He earned a few spankings (which we aren't very liberal with around these parts). He spent a day where he wasn't allowed on the furniture at all (floor sittin' never hurt no one). And yesterday he went to bed an hour early with no dinner. 

Things Sam has said over the last few weeks: 

After being told to do almost anything for the third or fourth time: 
"Mom, I'm trying to but you keep talking to me!"

After being told to stop standing on the chairs:
"Grandma said I could. Don't be ugly to me, momma!"

After me telling him not to take my spices off of my spice rack then finding all 12 of them shoved in his oven:
"But I was making you a cake! You welcome!"

Dragging his toy laptop into the kitchen while I'm cooking breakfast:
"Momma get me bacon. I need to check my email."

After being told he couldn't close the garage door:
"But momma, I'm just one little kid!"

Me: Sam eat your breakfast.
Sam: I'm not hungry.
Me: then throw it away.
Sam: Daddy said something to you.
(Justin is asleep)
Me: what did Daddy say?
Sam: He said for you to stop being angry at me.

Things I have caught myself saying the last few days:

"Sam, I'm positive nothing good can come from you standing on the toilet."

"Sam, is that a fry in your underwear?" Seconds later... "DON'T EAT IT!!!" (he giggled)

"Sam, put the hammer down. DON'T HAMMER THE DOG!"

So seriously... about these terrible two's? Was he a smart ass? Sure. Did he experiment with tantrums? Of course. 

But this three year old business... well it is why grown women have drinking problems. I'm sure of it. 

Now, he has had an ear infection. And he has been snotty. And some people think that is what is to blame for this. 

But I say boo hockey. 

Sometimes kids are just assholes. Hilarious little assholes.