Adventures in Coconut Water

Can someone please explain to me this new obsession with coconut water? 

Seriously? 

I found myself in a situation last night where I needed something for dinner. I was in the middle of Target (one of the super cool Target's with a full grocery section... it takes so little to impress me) and due to my new life sucking super cool diet, I needed to find something to eat that wasn't bread-laden. 

I went to the vegetable section, hoping to find one of those little trays with fruit slices and cheese chunks. Or carrot slices and something. Just something I could buy where I could eat all of it (I refuse to pay for an overpriced Lunchable just to not be able to eat the damn crackers, you know?). 

Once I selected my sad excuse for a dinner, I noticed I needed something to wash it down with. And that's when I saw it... the blessed coconut water. 

 

I say "blessed" because to hear people talk about this stuff, it must be mixed with the tears of Jesus. 

I took a drink of it. 

 

Why?! What the hell is that stuff!? 

You know how sometimes you buy yourself a gallon of milk because you are going to be good this time and drink the whole thing? And then you leave it in your fridge for, let's just say a while? And it separates? The curds on the bottom, the whey on the top. 

That's what coconut water is. It has to be.

Coconuts are probably delightful little fruits. Then they sit out in the sun and separate. Some drunk fool thought, "That water stuff from the inside of this coconut would taste real nice." 

Never trust a drunk. This stuff is gross. 

Let's be straight. I like coconuts just fine. I like water just fine. 

To mix the two is unacceptable. 

Another analogy? 

I like peanut butter. I like catfish. 

I would never mix the two. 

Now who is going to try coconut water next time you are out? You know who you are. I give this vivid description of the nastiness that it is and you think, "It can't be that bad. I'm going to try it." 

Go for it, glutton for punishment.

I May Never Buy Grapes Again

I'm cranky and hungry this morning. Why? 

Grapes. Damned grapes. 

But grapes are really the end of the story. The story begins like this... 

Sam woke up. Everything that happened after was a bit of a challenge. 

He came downstairs while I was still "curling" my hair. (It is in quotation marks because while I was attempting to curl my hair, I had to manage 14,539 fits in the 20 minute time slot I give myself for hair.)

Sam said he needed to pee. 

I said, "Ok, take off your jammies and I'll get your diaper."

He must have heard, "I"m going to kick you through a door and force feed you brussel sprouts until you vomit." 

He had an absolute meltdown. 

Because I wanted him to take off his pants to pee. 

This morning scares me. Clearly.

He would not stop crying. And I wasn't going to give in. He is three. He can take his own pants off, I've seen him do it (and sometimes he does it when it isn't socially acceptable to do so!). 

I finally said, "Sam, you are going back to bed if you don't take your jammies off."

He? Ran. Away from me. And hid in the closet. 

Eff my life. 

So what's a mom to do?! 

That's right. Throw him over your shoulder and take him back upstairs to bed. And that's exactly what I did. 

Meanwhile, Justin is positive I'm beating him by the sounds of the screams of protest. 

We got upstairs and I put him back in the bed. There must have been an angry tiger in the bed I was unaware of. That or I set my son on fire accidentally. 

I've never seen that many tears. He was hysterical. 

Again... because I wouldn't take his pants off for him. 

Moral of that story is: Momma is more crazy than Sam. He took his pants off finally. And he got dressed. And we had a little moment where we cuddled in the floor and I sang Hush Little Baby so he would STOP EFFING SCREAMING! 

And he did. 

Until he realized we had used all of our "breakfast" time by using "making mommy want to jump off of a bridge" time. 

I hadn't had time to make coffee. Or breakfast. Or Justin's lunch at this point. 

I threw Justin's lunch together. Made Sam some chocolate milk, to which he proclaimed, "Mommy, you make the best chocolate milk in the WORLD!"

Things were looking up. 

And then I made a grave mistake. 

I offered...

to get him breakfast.... 

at...

MCDONALD'S!


Was I crazy for thinking McDonald's would be a good idea?! 

Seriously, the conversation went like this...

Sam: I'm hungry. 
Me: Well, I don't have time to make you breakfast this morning. How does sausage from McDonald's sound (b/c you know your momma needs some coffee!!!!... but I didn't say this)
Sam: WHAAAAAAA!!!!!! Bu huh huh huh ut... I... I ... I... wanted.... GWAPES!!!!!!!!
Me: You don't want sausage?! Baby why are you crying? 
Sam: AGH!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! I  WANTED GWAPES!!!!! GWAPES!!!!!!!
Me: So you don't want McDonalds? (insert look of confusion here)
Sam: GWAPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Grapes it is. Saves me some money. 

He calmed down. For approximately 15 seconds. 

And then he remembered that I offered him McDonalds. And that I'm the anti-christ. 

So we get in the car to go to Susan's (BTW: You're welcome, Susan!) and he is still crying. As he holds his grapes in his hand. 

He cries halfway to Susan's. Never eats a grape. 

The second half of the ride to Susan's was spent with him mean-mugging me in the mirror. 

We got to Susan's, Sam says, "Gwapes make my heart really sad."





You have got to be kidding me. 

That child has a death wish. 

I said, "Sam, understand one thing. You don't eat today until you finish every one of those grapes."

He mean mugged me again. 

We got into Susan's house. Poor, unsuspecting Susan. Who was eager to greet Sam. 

Until she heard me say, "Sam, get your butt over at that table. Do not get up until you have eaten every grape." 

He cried. 

I told Susan, "He gets no snack, no lunch, no nothing until he finishes those grapes."

Susan giggled. She loves a challenge.

Damn shit starting grapes. Makes me want to put some in the dehydrator right now just to watch them die. Slowly.

Happy Thursday, folks!

Giblet-gate 2013

If you haven't heard, my son calls his testicles his giblets. Unfortunately, I am to blame for this misunderstanding. (and also why he calls his undies his panties... Surely mental healthcare will be covered on our insurance)

He has been a handful today. Yelling, irritable. Testy testy (twss)

And listening has not been his strong suit tonight.

He had just gotten out of the shower and was enjoying some naked time while i checked the Twitters.

He wanted to cover me with a blanket. I had no such desires. I aired my wishes to remain uncovered. He continued down the path of the ill-advised.

I gave him the look.

He sat down, stuck his lip out and slowly looked down.

Guess what he found?!

He gets a big ole eyeful of his man candy and starts to diddle. Then he happily exclaims, "Hey! My giblets!"

How exciting.

Then ensued our most uncomfortable conversation to date.

S: mommy where are your giblets?
R: mommy doesn't have giblets
S: why?
R: bc girls don't have giblets
S: why not?
R: boys have tinkles and giblets. Girls have hoo hoos.
S: did you lose your giblets?
R: no babe. Didn't have them to begin with.
S: why?
R: bc mommy is a girl.
S: I'm a girl! (grabs a handful of giblets... Then giggles heartily)
R: you're silly.
S: mommies have gum balls.
R: what?!
S: gum balls! On your boobies!!!
R: Sam, I think it's time for bed.

My plan for when he wants to know about sex? Talk as vividly as possible until he is more uncomfortable than I am. It appears I'll get years of practice in this endeavor.

Why Today is Awesome-Sauce

Folks...

Today was absolutely lovely. Here is the run down.

I've been nervous about today basically since I realized today was going to happen. Today was the wretched day I was to find out if cutting carbs out of my diet almost completely (save a few bites of pasta every gray once in a while and the carb content of dark chocolate and creamer for my coffee) was going to work.

If you don't know me well, when I was little, I was "sickly."

Sickly as in: I had an asthma attack while at my uncle's house. On the way to the hospital, I asked him if I was going to get "my room." You know, because I was there so often, many times I got the same room. Rock it out, grandma lungs!

For the longest time, I was always on some sort of medicine. And it has made me want desperately to be off of medicine.

I was well on my way during my early 20s. I was down to baby repellant (read: birth control pills) and rescue inhalers.

I mean, I chose heart surgery over medicine. Let's just cut to the chase and remedy the stuff instead of medicating it, you know?

Then my asthma started to get worse and I had to go back on medicine. Then we discovered I have a "reflux" problem and I had to go on acid reducers (this was a recent development I'll talk more about later if you are interested. It is boring. I assure you that you aren't interested. Basically I'm going to get scoped to make sure nothing is major wrong so I can be on acid reducers forever. Boo hiss. But better than permanently ruining my esophagus. So whatev).

So back in January when my doctor said, "Your cholesterol is high," I was super bummed. I asked what I could do. He explained that it is likely hereditary but we can try a diet change and see if it works.

He recommended cutting carbs way down.

Here is a list of what Rikki can eat:

Donuts
Chocolate
Dr. Pepper
Bread
Pizza
Pasta
Candy or sugar of really any kind
Vegetables
Meats

Bummer. But he said my alternative was medicine.

He knows his audience. Well played doc.

So for the last four months, I dramatically cut out my carbs. Taking buns off of burgers... steamed veggies while the rest of the family ate spaghetti... salads for lunch... lunch meat and cheese for lunch... NO DR. PEPPER! (though I have discovered the wonders that are Diet Mt. Dew).

Drastic.

Results: My cholesterol went down 50 points and I am down 20 lbs!

Worth it. Absolutely.

My cholesterol is low enough that medicine is not warranted at all. In fact, I'm in "normal" range.

(Eat dirt, genetics!)

Moral of the story?

I'm skinny and relatively healthy! Word up!

Then, I get to work and my office is decorated with my name and words that describe me (the flattering ones anyway):

My head is covering up the one that says, "hottie." Trust me. It's there. 

These are some of the awesome RAs that came to bring me my first present. That's right, I said first, There were two deliveries!

This was both deliveries. Seriously... two presents! 

In these two presents? 

A card of appreciation from Leanna (the mastermind behind Appreciation Week): 

Isn't she a cutie? I just love her. 

A homemade card of appreciation that was a pair of socks. Inside it said, "You rock our socks off!" and was signed by all the RAs. Precious.  

And oh candy!

There are SweetTarts, fruit chews, pixie sticks, Werther's originals, butterscotch candies, Dark Chocolate Reese's Cups (nom nom nom)... Dark Chocolate M&Ms... (nom nom nomier)...

Dove Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds (Holy smokes Batman)

That's a Milky Way Midnight. Nom nom nomiest!

For real, how amazing?! 

Now, you are probably wondering, "Rikki... your diet above didn't include either of those things!"

You're right. I'm what you call a connoisseur of savoring. I'll have a bite here and a bite there... except for my splurge day. When I eat that Milky Way Midnight in its entirety! 

After this wonderful day at work and at the doctor, I got to come home to Sam and Justin. It was such a nice day, I put way less focus on dinner (where Justin had lasagna, Sam had cheese-less pizza, and I had pulled pork and steamed spinach... for an easy night it was sure complex!) and decided we needed outside play time. 

What to do?! Go run bases at the ball field across the street! 

Sam takes a loose interpretation on "run the bases." He more "runs around, sometimes arriving at a base, sometimes arriving in the outfield. And he makes up rules. That make no sense. 

But we sure had fun! See...

We're silly. And Sam was a little scared. 

If you want to know more about the diet I ate and how difficult it was, I can certainly do a post on it. I will say this, if you are serious about losing weight, get the Dukan Diet book. It works. Fast. And has lasting results if you will just follow simple instructions. It is a lifestyle change and it doesn't pretend to be anything but a lifestyle change. It isn't easy. 

But I'm skinny, ya'll!