Little Leak: The Birth Story

Upon reading the piedmont parent, I realized, I never documented the birth story of Sam. I couldn't believe that I hadn't because if ever there was a story to be documented, it would be his.

It was early January 5, probably around 6:00 am. Justin was due back to work that day, as was I (the previous day had snowed). I woke up to make Justin his lunch. I walk to the kitchen and I feel a little leak. With every step I took, I got another "little leak."

I say "little leak" because I was told in our childbirth class that if your water breaks, 1) it will break when you are lying down and not while standing up and 2) if it does break while standing up, it will probably only trickle but once you lay down it will full on break.

Well I thought about it and decided to go lay back down for a bit to see if my water had broken. I was convinced it hadn't because we still had a full three weeks and some change to go before he was due. I laid back down. Nothing happened.

I got back up. "Little leak." I made his lunch. "Little leak." I went back to bed and laid down. Nothing. So I went back to sleep.

I woke up a few hours later to get up and get ready for the day. I go to get undressed for the shower. "Little leak." I then decide walking around naked isn't a great idea right now, so I get dressed again and call my sister. Turns out she is precious little help as her water was broken for her both times. She called on of her friends and alas... the consensus is... my water broke.

But I hadn't showered yet. So I decided to pack a hospital bag (just in case) and an overnight suitcase (just in case). "Little leak". Then I decided I needed a shower.

So I showered... got ready for the day... got ready for work actually because I was convinced that I wasn't going into labor. "Little leak." I finally called the doctor (I know... hadn't occurred to me until now and I didn't want to be told I couldn't take a shower... mom of the year! That's me!)They advised me to go to labor and delivery and be checked.

So I called my friend Gena and she drove me to the hospital. I was convinced this was a false alarm and would get sent back home but better safe than sorry right?

"Little leak."

I go up to the desk and I say, "Hi. I'm leaking. I was told to come here to fix that." They checked me in, gave me "the gown", and in comes the nurse. She "checks" me and says, "Yup, your water broke."

You would think at this point I would get it. You would be wrong. I asked her, "So should I call family and stuff?" She said, "Well, if you were my daughter I'd like to know but it'll still be a while yet." I was like, "I think you misunderstood me. Am I having a baby today?" She said, "Oh yes honey, you are."

Great. So first things first, lets clue my husband in. That's right. I hadn't called him yet. I call him, and say, "So... we are going to have a baby today." He says, "What? No way." I said, "That's what they are telling me here in labor and delivery."

He came right on down. Parents and family were notified. What was I doing? Jonesing for a hamburger and something more than ice chips. I'm casually thinking about how this baby that is supposedly going to be here "today" doesn't have anywhere to sleep once we leave the hospital. And yet... no stress.

They came in to start the pitosin drip. They say contractions are going to start soon. Some time elapsed and the nurse comes in and says we need to readjust because Sam isn't liking the contractions and his heart rate is dropping. Still not stressed.

They leave. They keep coming in and telling me I'll get comfortable later; the epidural is almost here. I couldn't feel anything at the time so I was like, "Whatever." Then they came in again and stopped the pitosin because his heart rate dropped again. The doctor came in and explained that if he kept doing this, we were going to do a c-section.

Pause. C-section was my worst nightmare. I would have rather not had an epidural or any pain medicine at all than have a c-section. Scared to death of them.

Un-pause. I told the doctor I'd really like to not do that. He ordered the epidural, I get it, we try again. The doctor walks back in not 5 minutes later. It's c-section time.

Still. Not. Stressed.

They wheel me back to the room. They flop me over on the table. They hook up the oxygen. They make me lay my arms out to the side like a "T". Nothing. They upped the medicine... I shook a lot... still not stressed. Still not fully aware that Sam is about to be with us.

The anesthesiologist says, "Ok you are going to feel some pressure now." Then what happened next is a blur but I can tell you what I think happened... At some point I missed when Stone Cold Steve Austin was invited in the room but his sole purpose was apparently to jump up and down on my chest. After I was done bouncing on the table, he apparently snuck out before I saw him... but it was too late for me to notice anyway because Sam was here. I heard him cry.

Justin says, "He got my nose!" The nurse said, "Look at that boy! He's got a pumpkin head!" Justin brought him over. I saw him. And still... not stressed.

We got back into the room and I held him for a while. He was precious beyond belief but it still didn't feel like he was mine. Then there was the unfortunate matter of someone forgetting to turn the epidural pump back on once I got in the room so I was distracted by the burning pain of a thousand suns in my stomach for about an hour.

I think it was later that night when everyone had gone and it was just me and little Sam. Then it hit me. I was a momma. He was my son. This was real.

"Little leak."

Then I got my composure and made a shopping list for my husband. Because boy did we need a lot of stuff.

Top 10 DOUCHEBAG Things to Say to A Post Partum Woman

Ok...so maybe I don't have a top ten list prepared just yet... but this shall be a vent session on at least one that would make it into the top ten... if you are lucky, by then end I'll rack my brain for the other nine...

I was walking into work today, and a worker who shall remain nameless comes up to me and says, with a smile on his face, "Your belly is finally starting to go down."

...

I'm sorry, WHAT?!

I realize that he thinks he has just given me a compliment. And thankfully, I've grown a lot since high school and was able to realize this, at least momentarily, so I could get behind closed doors to freak out...

But.. I'm sorry.... WHAT?!

Have you not EVER encountered a woman in your entire life?! Would you like to live to see the day when that might happen?! Then don't say crap like that!

Here is a list of ways he could have said the very same thing and not incited a riot inside my brain...

1) You are looking really good.
2) Said nothing at all in place of the moronic statement he did decide to make.
3) Hi Rikki.
4) You look nice today.
5) Wow. You are losing your pregnancy weight fast.

Any of these would have been acceptable. But no... we went with "finally starting to go down."

I love the Good Lord and I do believe everyone has the power to overcome their weaknesses... but good gravy did I ever have a hard time keeping the mean, hateful things I had to say in and not explode. Thank God I have good friends I can vent to.

And before the comments start of "You look so good." and "Don't listen to him." You should know, I feel like I look pretty darned good for having 40 lbs to lose just 3 months ago. I've been very proud of myself. And I only have freaking 9 lbs to go to get to my pre-preggo weight. It's the douche-baggery of a statement that's gotten me so mad.

And congratulations... I will now rack my brain to come up with the other 9 douchebag things to say to a postpartum woman...

1) (Obviously) Your belly is finally starting to go down.
2) Wow... you look like you could use a nap.
3) Did pregnancy make your boobs lopsided? Or were they that way always?
4) What a cute little girl! (To your boy) or What a cute little boy! (To your girl)
5) (While you are in pre-pregnancy clothes) I bet you are ready to get out of those maternity clothes.
6) When are you due?
7) Don't worry... those bags under your eyes will take care of themselves.
8) Your baby is so ugly he's cute.
9) Does it just make you sick to see pictures before got pregnant?
10) You sure were hot before you became a mom.

Most of these were NOT from experience... :-)

The Great Yellow Thunder... AKA My Son

Let's set the scene. Some things you should know before reading this post.

1) When babies poop, it's funny. When MY baby poops it is HILARIOUS! All kids grunt a little bit when they poop. My baby... turns bright red, grunts really loud, kicks his legs out, and sometimes sticks out his tongue.

2) As of 2 hours a go, he hadn't pooped in 3 days. Think about how hard you have to work if you go that long.

3) Gena Girard was just complaining this morning that she had never seen Sam poop. Everyone else gets to see it and she doesn't.

Now for the story.

Gena came over for her normal Wednesday night dinner. Sam was particularly fussy and needed to be fed but I needed to cook. So Gena volunteers.

I am standing in the kitchen and I hear her say, "Oh yay, I think he's pooping!" He was. But this isn't the explosion. He let out a loud wet fart and big huge grunt and kicked out his legs. Then he calmed down to finish his bottle. Gena was going to change him after he finished and he only had about an ounce left.

I returned to the kitchen. And that's when it happened. I heard the LOUDEST grunt followed by a THUNDEROUS pooping sound. I immediately bust out in laughter. So does Gena and Justin...

Then Gena starts laughing and gagging... loudly on both accounts. I come back into the living room and she's holding up her hand which has my son's poop ALL OVER IT! Now I'm laughing so hard that I can't get my son off of her to clean up.

The gagging intensifies. My husband and my laughter follows. We are leaned on each other laughing hysterically... tears streaming down our faces... Gena... still covered in my son's poo and no one getting him off of her...

She finally says, through the laughter and tears and gagging, "GUYS! ITS UNDER MY FINGERNAILS!!!"

I finally am able to get Sam off of her so she can go to the bathroom... still laughing hysterically... and I start hearing violent gagging noises coming from the bathroom. I finally hear Gena calling for someone to the bathroom. Justin shows up and Gena has VOMITED ON HERSELF!

Justin and I are apparently going to hell because we laugh even harder (she's laughing too so don't judge too much). So now she has puke on her shirt, poo on her pants, and is still gagging...

Then I hear her call for me. I go to the bathroom and the amount of poo on her leg is AMAZING! Especially since I had just seen the obscene amount in his diaper... at this point I'm marveling at how much poop my son can contain (and by the way... that amount of poop stuck in a tiny body for that amount of time.. STINKS!!!). But she needs help getting herself cleaned up. So I took Gena duty... Justin took Sam duty.


Now Gena and I are both laughing and gagging together. I go and get her new pants to wear (which I'm so behind on laundry she has to wear maternity sweat pants) and she has to do laundry immediately.

Damage done? Let's make a list...

Poop on...
Gena's hand...
Gena's jeans...
the floor...
the exercise ball beside the chair she was sitting in...
the changing pad...
Sam's booty...
Sam's chest...
Sam's thighs...
Sam's arms...
(but none on his outfit...figure that out)

The night ended in Gena wearing a lot of my clothes and Sam with a bath.

Oh, and by the by... Justin was so busy cleaning up the carnage that I was left with a naked baby boy waiting on a bath... who peed on me while waiting.