Still I Rise

I'm back for the day at least. My apologies for being absent but my goodness doctoral classes are no joke. I had made a goal to blog over the weekends and schedule them to post through the week but... yeah I use all of the time to work on school. 

I'm writing today really for myself. Remember about a year or so ago when I wrote about The Death of An Abuser? 

Well my first abuser was arrested again last week for allegedly raping a 10 year old girl. 

It's been a shitstorm ever since. 

I can't speak about who he is or what he did really because his records were sealed and until they are unsealed, I can't say what he did. Which makes this case really hard for me. 

The day I found out he had been arrested again, I cried. A lot. A talked to my counselor friend. And then I went the the gun range and pictured him as the silhouette and blew his brains out. 

That's how country folk do therapy. 

But it wasn't over there. He was able to adopt two daughters because his records of sexual abuse were sealed. I. Can't. Deal. 

Then I find out the media hasn't picked up this story. 

Alright guys, I'm from Northwest Arkansas. The Greenwood Mayor's wife got bitten by a dog and it was the headline story of the night. I know they should be running a rape of a little girl. 

So I slip a little deeper into my depression and anger. 

Then I find out the fucker is out of jail and is BACK HOME WITH THE GIRLS! 

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH OUR SOCIETY?!

Our society holds drug users and dealers more accountable than sexual predators. 

Um news flash... THE SEXUAL PREDATORS ARE WORSE!!! 

What is going on? 

So last night I cried on the way home to get my child. Then I cried when I got home. Then I cried in the bathtub as I read the deplorable comments on the newstory. Then I ate. 

I rarely cry when I eat thank God. 

Then people started to call and check on me. 

And I cried some more. I literally fell asleep crying last night. I am 30 freaking years old and I never knew that you could actually cry yourself to sleep. 

But Still I Rise... 

I got this tattoo in honor of my mother, my sister, and myself. The orange ribbon is for leukemia and the blue around it is for sexual assault. 

I refuse to let this keep me down. I was down last night. I still had fight but I was down. But today is a new day. 

If you have been a victim of a sexual crime, please come forward and at least talk to someone about it. It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. They did. They wronged you. You matter. You are beautiful. And you have no reason to deal with this alone. 

www.safehelpline.org

Resolutions 2014 Revisited and 2015 Stated

Alright... here it goes...

Resolution 2014 Update:

1) Have over 200 followers by the end of 2014. On the blog, not in real life. That's stalking. 

If you add together all the venues for following, then yes. Accomplished. 

2) Stop drinking diet sodas. 

Epic fail. I don't even know how long I lasted. Until I read this just now I didn't even realize this was a goal of mine last year. But it is again this year and I'm three days strong. Woo fucking hoo. 
3) Keep my weight in or below the 130s. 

Check. Two years in a row. 
4) Be a better wife. 

I'll let Justin be the judge of this. Epic win in some areas and epic fail in others. 
5) This one is a lofty goal, but I want to do at least one paid speaking engagement this year. 

Sad to say but this was a fail. Mainly for lack of effort but I was well on my way and then decided to go back to school for my doctorate. Anything I had cooking at that point was put on the back burner. I did do several unpaid speaking engagements. Does that count? 

No? 

Fine then. 
6) Complete Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

yeah no. That didn't happen. 


7) Facebook check in the morning and at lunch during work days. 

I'm seriously so freaking funny. You know how I know?! Checking Facebook all the time for the comments on my epic funny shit! 
8) Pray/read Bible every day. 

Pray? Yes. Read? Notsomuch. 

9) Going with #8, get up at 5 am every week day.

*Crickets*
10) Budget every month! 

Also no. Last year was the year from hell though. Most of it was back and forth to St. Louis and caring for Pat. The rest of it was reeling from losing her and dealing with the aftermath. So no...  budget lost out there. We still managed to save some and keep up with bills so I still call it a win. 

Okay, so that is about a 4 overall. Not as good as last year. 

Next up, resolutions for 2015:

1) Actually quit drinking diet sodas. 

Seriously, where was I last year? I'm doing it this year though. I'm down to coffee, water, and tea basically. 

2) Keep the weight down in 130s or below. 

I just feel so much better at this weight. 

3) Maintain an average of at least 5000 steps a day (according to my phone pedometer)

I thought I was walking a lot with 3000 steps a day. And then I utilized good old trusty google and realized... not so much. 

4) Be a better wife. 

I'm not sure this will ever make it off of my list. 

5) Complete 18 hours of doctoral classes. 

That's two in the spring, two in the summer, and two in the fall. Lawdy. 

6) Get up at 5 am on work days and 6 am on weekends. 

Yes, epic fail last year. I did well until the summer. And then it went to pot quickly. With Justin out of town most of the summer I had less to get ready and then I got out of the habit and then August happened and I don't think I ever got my groove back. 

7) Never let my leg hair get long enough to braid. 

I'm a feminist and everything. But I have my limits. 

8) Trust God's timing. 

This is a biggie for me. I'm like a kid in a candy store sometimes and I can't wait in line to get the goodies! I need to calm the elf down and learn how to wait. 

9) Focus on what I can change. 

Being the control freak that I am, it is hard to see something that needs to be fixed or worked on but be met with opposition and negativity. I'm a "doer" but it leads to so much frustration in areas that are not in my control at all. I need to let it go. 

10) Don't lose my shit on a kindergarten teacher and/or administration. 

My kid is going to go to school this year. Lord help us all. 

Your turn! What are your resolutions? Comment or link me to your resolutions :-) 

Day 9: A Defeat that Makes you Stronger

In the interest of full disclosure, I hate this topic.

Here's why.

No matter how you spin it, it seems like you are either bragging on yourself or playing a poor me game. The fact of the matter is everyone has defeats that have made them stronger.

But since I love reading other people's stories, I've found a story that falls into this category. I hope you enjoy my defeat. 

Here's what happened... 

I knew I could do it but I knew it'd be a challenge. She had a reputation of being kind of a bitch but so did I so it shouldn't be that big of deal. I can handle bitches. 

I made sure I was prepared with all the supplies needed to go to battle. She was not going to win today. I would conquer. And I'd be stronger for it. Like Nike says, "Just do it." 

It started slow. Kind of a warm up. I thought, "this isn't bad. nah, this will be fine." 

And that's when it started. 

My breath quickened and I began to perspire ever so slightly on my forehead. 

But the battle wasn't lost. I would not be defeated. 

I tried to keep up. Even if I didn't really know what to do, I could at least take context clues and pretend. I gave it my all. I did my best. 

My breath went from quickened to heavy panting. Panic was about to set in. 

How am I supposed to do this?! This woman is crazy?! I'm not match for her!!! 

No! No, I will press on! She is not going to beat me! I'm not going to be one of her victims! I'm better than that! 

Sweat is pouring like buckets now. This is embarrassing. I'm panting so heavily if someone saw me they'd be concerned for my health. They'd probably locate a paper bag or my inhaler. 

Just then, she yells, "Do not take a break! Do not sit down! Do not quit!" 

I couldn't take it anymore. I yelled, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" 

I'm only halfway participating at this point. The world is getting darker. Why are there green dots in my living room. 

That judgmental bitch can suck it. I have to take a break. 

I sit down on the chair. 

She says, "If you have to take a break, no longer than 5 seconds. I have 300lb people that can do this move. You can too." 

HOW DID SHE KNOW?!?!?! 

I knew death was imminent. I could not keep up. 

5 seconds passed. The room was spinning. 

I yelled, "FUCK YOU JILLIAN MICHAELS! I HATE YOU AND YOUR SIX PACK AND YOUR MEAN OLD DUMB FACE!" 

That'll teach her. 

She mocked me by pointing out I was only on level 1 of 3. 

Gee thanks, Jill. Thanks for pointing out that I'm inadequate even at the beginning level. I look forward to my life of flab and donuts. 

IF THIS IS WHAT FIT FEELS LIKE I'D RATHER DIE! 

And then I went and put my head under the faucet and tried to get at least a little water in my mouth. I then laid down on the ground and focused on not throwing up. 

How did this make me stronger? 

Simple. 

I make better decisions now. I have no desire to be "shredded." 

"Shredded" = "Death"

I choose life. 









November 1st – Intro – November
2. Crystal Michelle – www.crystalmichellesmess.com – Un Answered Prayers
3. Music
4. Karen – http://www.apeekatkarensworld.com/ – Friendship
5. Memories
6. Belly Laughs
7. Rikki – http://www.mommasgotadudesname.com/ – Simple Pleasures
8. Humor
9. A defeat that made you stronger
10. Erin- http://www.shesabigstar.com/ – Being a Mom
11. The one thing you love most about YOU
12. Duckie – http://www.frikkenduckie.com/ – Beach Days
13. Laura – http://lauraakalolo.blogspot.com/ – Mans Best Friend
14. Strength
15. Love
16. Erin – http://www.homemadehappenings-erin.blogspot.com – Family
17. Tradition
18. Mom & Dad
19. Candra – http://camoandlipstick.blogspot.com – Spouse ( husband or wife )
20. Thankful through pictures
21. Health
22. Angela – ( need your info sweets )
23. Insert your own here
24. Social Media
25. Ganeeban – http://girlytomboymusings.blogspot.com – Time
26. Booze
27. Thanksgiving!!
28. Blog Friends
29. Your State
30. The End of This 30 Day Blog!

There is Humor in the Poop

Thanks for joining me in the 30 Days of Thankfulness Link-up! If you want to participate, just join the link up over at Crystal Michelle's Mess and participate as often as you would like!

Today's topic is Humor and as my luck would have it, my son's butt could sense this topic was coming and did not want to disappoint. :-)

I bet adult Sam just hates 4 year old Sam sometimes. This blog will be so helpful for the psychiatrist.

On Wednesday, both myself and my husband were scheduled to fly out to different parts of the country. This means Sam got to spend a few nights with the Almighty Susan.

The problem was, Justin had to be at the airport by 5 am. Which means we were up at 4 am.

Sam was not pleased. The only way I could get him excited about it was to promise him IHOP after we dropped dad off. The promise of food always wins.

We arrive at IHOP at 5:30 am and we ate and were merry. Like really merry. Like Sam sang Taylor Swift loudly merry.

There is only so much time you can waste at the IHOP at 6 am so we headed out around 6:15 am. When we got in the car, Sam says, "My belly hurts."

No big deal. Not my first rodeo. I reassured him, "You got up really early and had some greasy food. You'll be okay."

I decided to head to get some gas. When I got back in the car from getting gas, Sam is now crying saying he is going to throw up.

Shit.

Even though Susan doesn't open until 7:30 am, I went ahead and headed to her house and figured we would just hang out in the front until she woke up and then we'd go in a little early.

We get to her house and Sam is SCREAMING and THRASHING... all the while swearing he is going to throw up. Here is how the conversation went.

Sam: I'M GONNA FROW UP!!!!

Me: It's okay. Just throw up in the yard.

Sam: NOOOOO!!!! OWWW!!!!!

Me: You'll feel better if you just throw up. Just let it go.

Sam: NOOOO!!! I NEED TO GO INSIIIIIIDDDEEE!!!

Me: It is 6:30 am Sam. We aren't going in. Just throw up out here.

Sam: WAKE HER UP!!! I NEED TO GO INSIDE!!!

Me: No. Throw up out here. Just do it.

Sam: WHAT IF I THROW UP ALL DAY!?!?!?!

Me: Well you need to start throwing up for it to get that far. Just throw up.

TEARS. ALL THE TEARS.
INCOHERENT SOBS.
SO MANY TEARS.

Me: Baby I'm right here. Just throw up.

Then he suddenly stops and yells, "I NEED TO GO POOP!!!!"

Bingo. Yahtzee. You have my attention.

Me: Well that I can wake her up for. She'd rather you poop in the toilet probably.

I called her and she woke up and let us in. I apologized profusely but I'm certain she didn't hear it over ALL THE YELLING AND SCREAMING.

I get him to the downstairs bathroom and he is screaming,
"IT'S TOO LATE! IT'S TOO LATE!!!!!!"

Me: It isn't too late. I'll change you if I need to. Just get on the toilet.

Sam: NOOOO!!! ITS TOO LAAATE!

I get him on the toilet. It wasn't too late (thank you higher beings).

Sam: I'm GONNA THROW UP!!!!!

Me: (hands him the trash can) Here. Now no matter what end you want to use, you have a receptacle. Now throw up or poop. Your choice.

Sam: AGHGGHGH!!!! I HATE THIS!!!! OWWWWW!!!

Then all of the sudden. The noise stopped. After exactly one second of silence, the grunts began.

His face turned red and then purple. His eyes bugged out. He didn't blink.

Sam: UGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!

Loud 'PLOP' followed by a powerful 'SPLASH'.

Sam looks me dead in the eye, grins to the point of laughter and says,

"I'M SO HAPPY!!!!"

I lost it. I laughed so stinking hard. He was so happy and relieved he joined me in the laughter.

Sam: That was a close one mommy!

Yes it was son. We almost over-reacted to something.


November 1st – Intro – November
2. Crystal Michelle – www.crystalmichellesmess.com – Un Answered Prayers
3. Music
4. Karen – http://www.apeekatkarensworld.com/ – Friendship
5. Memories
6. Belly Laughs
7. Rikki – http://www.mommasgotadudesname.com/ – Simple Pleasures
8. Humor
9. A defeat that made you stronger
10. Erin- http://www.shesabigstar.com/ – Being a Mom
11. The one thing you love most about YOU
12. Duckie – http://www.frikkenduckie.com/ – Beach Days
13. Laura – http://lauraakalolo.blogspot.com/ – Mans Best Friend
14. Strength
15. Love
16. Erin – http://www.homemadehappenings-erin.blogspot.com – Family
17. Tradition
18. Mom & Dad
19. Candra – http://camoandlipstick.blogspot.com – Spouse ( husband or wife )
20. Thankful through pictures
21. Health
22. Angela – ( need your info sweets )
23. Insert your own here
24. Social Media
25. Ganeeban – http://girlytomboymusings.blogspot.com – Time
26. Booze
27. Thanksgiving!!
28. Blog Friends
29. Your State
30. The End of This 30 Day Blog!

An InLinkz Link-up

Day 7: Simple Pleasures

This is one of my favorite things to be thankful for. The little things in life that make life rich. Here are some of my favorites: 

A comforting cup of coffee. 

This past weekend I discovered a cup of coffee mixed with a packet of hot chocolate and a sprinkle of pumpkin spice creamer. Heaven in a cup. 

A well-placed "that's what she said" joke. 

I mean, does it get any better? 

Afternoon naps with my son. 

He still holds my hand as we fall asleep. The sweetness is so intense we are getting cavities. 

When someone does something nice for you just because. 

Whether it is your husband bringing home dinner so you don't have to cook, a surprise coffee or Diet Dr. Pepper in the early afternoon, or a quick text to see how you are doing... being special to people is just fantastic. 

Thank you notes. 

I need to be better at sending these but when someone takes the time out to thank you for something, no matter how small, can make your whole day better. 

This list is short but these 5 little things are very significant. 

What are your simple pleasures? 

Thankful for Belly Laughs: Day 6

I've said it before and I'll say it again... 

Laughing is my favorite! 

Hopefully I can give you a belly laugh or two today. Enjoy some of my favorite funnies on the interwebs... 

WTF Memories on Day 5

Day 5 of 30 Days of Thankful is dedicated to Memories. 

How are you supposed to narrow that down?!

I have so many great memories... 

Like when I sprayed my sister in the eyes with Windex and had to miss church... 

Or when I hit a game winning grand slam in overtime at the District tournament for softball and we won the whole dang thing... 

Or when I tricked my now brother in law into thinking he kept dialing the wrong number by acting like the AT&T lady... 

Or the 14,000 times I've given my dad's phone number to guys asking for my number (this is especially fun because his name is Ricky)... 

But I've decided to go with one of my husband's favorite stories from my childhood. 

He gets a kick out of my childhood stories because he grew up in the city and was fairly protected, whereas I grew up in the country (deep country) and am familiar with a good old fashioned country ass whoopin'. 

The only thing missing from this story is the city, bless our hearts. 

We grew up on a boulder-like dirt road and our driveway was gravel. We never mowed because there wasn't grass to mow really (the rocks kept what grass we did have fairly protected). We also burned our trash. 

My mom and my aunt would watch us and my cousins together quite frequently, which most of the time meant we were told to go play outside. With no neighbors or traffic, we had some pretty good free reign to do as we pleased. They also drank Zimas from time to time, which are in glass bottles. 

I don't think any of us (cousins and sister) were over 7 years old when this occurred, but one of us found the stash of glass bottles waiting to be taken to the dump (on our land). 

And to a bunch of young children, the sound of breaking glass on the gravel was hilarious. And man were we tickled! 

I don't know how many bottles we broke in the gravel driveway before they heard and came to investigate, but by the looks on their faces and the steam coming from their ears, it must have been a lot. 

My mom ripped me and my sister up and started beating our tails all the way in the house. When she finally stopped spanking us, my aunt says, "Get them too!" Referring to her two kids. I believe that was the first time my mom had spanked them but she didn't miss a beat and started tearing into them too. 

Once safely inside, I distinctly remember at least 3 out of 4 of us busting a gut laughing (sorry Ma). Spankings weren't unusual in our world and our fathers were much more adept at it. As much as it hurts my little feminist heart to say, mom's spankings didn't hurt and I'm fairly sure Ashley was just tickled that my mom had just spanked her. 

And we honestly didn't realize what we were in trouble for! The sound was so cool! Tires be damned... Safety be damned... it was like our own little science experiment. 

I think back on it now and laugh because there is no telling how long or even how they got all that glass cleaned up. I don't remember any flat tires but my mom reads this blog so maybe she can clarify things from her side. 

This may not be a memory my mom or aunt is very thankful for, but I sure am. That country upbringing made me who I am today. And at least now I know that it isn't okay to bust glass bottles in the driveway. 

Thankful for my Friends: Day 4

If I truly consider you a "friend" you are in an elite bunch. 

That is not a testament to my elite status but to yours. I have no trouble cutting people out of my life if they haven't earned the spot in it. I don't have time for "fake" or "selfish". 

I am thankful to call quite a few people true friends. I won't call them out by name, but you know who you are. 

I can be my true self with you... crazy, irrational, vulnerable. 

We laugh. A lot. 

We don't take life too seriously. 

If one of us every needs anything, it isn't even a question. It is a "how can I help" or sometimes even a, "bitch you will take my help regardless of how you feel about it." 

These types of friendships are two-way. 

You see, there are several more people I can add to the list that I would give them the shirt off of my back or my last morsel of food if they needed it, but I know I wouldn't get the same in return. That doesn't change my actions towards them. And I don't fault them for it. 

But it makes me appreciate those true friends even more. The street runs both ways and we both frequent each side. Blood relation or not, we are family. 

To each of you I can truly call my friend, I thank you. 

Getting Muh Groove On, Day 3

Music... makes the people... come together... yeahhhhhhh

Madonna is deep, yo. 

Music has a way of changing my mood completely. As a self-identified person with  heart of stone due to my inability to cry at movies, music has moved me to tears a number of times. Some of my favorites for a good soul-searching are: 

Wanted: Hunter Hayes
Man in the Mirror: Michael Jackson
Jesus Take the Wheel: Carrie Underwood
Independence Day: Martina McBride
Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning: Alan Jackson
Proud to be an American: Lee Greenwood
Blown Away: Carrie Underwood

I can't say exactly why each of these bring me to tears but they do. I connect with the emotions of others and highly emotional songs bring that out. 

But also, I can rely on music to bring me into a good mood or even fuel the fire for an already good mood. 

When I wake up in the morning, I love Pitbull radio on Pandora. I dance like a moron while drying my hair and putting on make up. And before you make fun of me, answer me this... Who has more songs to Zumba routines than Pitbull? 

Check. Mate. 

Music also makes me laugh... 

Let Me Ride that Donkey? 
Poison? 
You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd? 
Dick in a Box? 

That shit is funny. 

Also, if I'm in an ass-kicking mood... Miranda Lambert fuels the fire. 

Gunpowder and Lead
Momma's Broken Heart
Fastest Girl in Town
Kerosene
Only Prettier
Somethin' Bad

Nothing like badass music to make me feel like a badass. 

What music are you thankful for?